The final few days of 2010 were good ones.  I’ll share just a few specific highlights so I can quickly move on to the final summary and thoughts for the year.

1.  I got to run in my favorite store, Crate&Barrel for just a few minutes.

2.  On Monday night, before we left Denver, I spent a few minutes outside, alone, watching the night sky.  I have missed the winter constellations due to cloudy nights in Utah.  It was fun to see some of my favorite stars and to gaze at the heavens for a bit.

3.  We had a safe drive home from Colorado and woke up to snow the next morning.  We were so grateful to have missed all the storms.

4.  The Christmas decorations are put away and the house is back to its usual calm color palette.  I love a silver, blue and white house in January.

5.  My baby is still struggling to bounce back from her illness.  We’re working through it and look forward to the return of real naps and her usual cheerful self.

6.  We wished the year goodbye in style, as a family, with hearts full of happiness.

And so, with all 365 days accounted for, the grand total of steps recorded throughout 2010 is 3,843.

That’s a lot of little things!  On average, more than ten a day.

How do I feel about it?  I’ve been asking myself this question for days.  One the one hand I’ve been tempted to label it as a bunch of random lists of little things I did when I probably should have been working harder to do the things I intended to do at the beginning of the year.  I’ve been tempted to feel like it doesn’t really add up to much.  After all, my house is as messy as it was a year ago.  I can’t claim any massive improvements in that area or a lot of other areas.

But even if it is just a bunch of random lists, it’s a fascinating record of a year of my life.  A very busy year.  A year of successes and failures, accomplishments and heartaches.   It’s a unique look at my daily life, a look like no other I’ve ever recorded.  And if I didn’t do many of the specific things I intended to do when I started, at least I have a record of what I did instead.  Most of the time, the “instead” came in the form of holding, comforting, listening, etc.  I guess I could say that what I did “instead” was simply be a mother.

And isn’t that ok?

The more positive take on the year would be to call it a success.  For one thing, I finished.  I did it every single day.  And I reported back every single week.  If nothing else good came from my efforts, to have been absolutely consistent is huge.  I kept the commitment I made to myself.  I kept it when I was on vacation, when I had guests in town, when I was exhausted.  And that feels good.  I’m good at keeping commitments I make to others, but I tend to let promises to myself take a back seat to other duties.

Additionally, there are so many little things listed in my book that would otherwise be forgotten.  I’ve given myself a gift of memory by writing things down.

When I began this journey what I really wanted was to find my stride.  I wanted to feel like I had grown into my responsibilities.  I cannot say that I’ve reached that point. I haven’t found my stride.  I have a lot of learning still to do.

But I’m closer. I haven’t given up.  (Ha! As if I really had a choice!)  I’ve kept going.

In looking over my many lists I see that I’m slowly getting better at responding appropriately when things go wrong.  I’m getting better at finding the humor in hard days.  I’m getting better at building myself up.  I’m learning to forgive myself for the things I’m not good at and for things that are hard for me.  I’m learning to seek and accept excellence instead of perfection.  I’m learning to accept effort and progress instead of indicting myself for lack of accomplishment.  I am remembering how much I love to write, and am slowly finding my voice.  I am learning.  This is success.

In some ways there is concrete evidence of this year’s efforts.

One Step at a time,
we put in a yard.  (huge)
we took our family to California once and Colorado twice to visit grandparents.
I finished 7 quilts and two additional quilt tops.
we watched our baby learn to walk.
we watched our son’s finger heal.
we learned how to run our own version of a Bed & Breakfast.
we survived two soccer seasons.
we celebrated 10 birthdays, one baptism  and numerous holidays.
I tried new recipes.
I developed the habit of watching the sunrise and sunset.

Truthfully,  it isn’t the list of things I did that means most to me today.  It’s the feelings I’ve felt, the thoughts I’ve had, the lessons I’ve learned that I treasure.    These are, to me, the significant moments of the year.  They’re the moments that make me feel like I’m growing up.  Many of them I haven’t shared here, but some I have.  Listed below are my favorites.

Real Life Mathematics
Cherry Trees and Hope
Mothering in the Trenches
They’re Just Moments
Glimpse of the Future
Growth Chart
Stuck
How to Measure?
Singing

And just for the record, the mystery of the day has remained the mystery of the year.

Ultimately my conclusion is that I have simultaneously fallen short of and surpassed my expectations for 2010.  In doing so, a wonderful thing has happened to me.  With my Heavenly Father’s help I have become my own best friend.   I have learned to trust Him more.  I am more confident in His love and concern for me.  Not the wife, not the mother, but me, the person I am deep inside.  And so the final verdict is this:  One Step 2010 was a success.  It worked.

I feel so blessed.
I also feel grateful to those of you who have read along, who have encouraged me, who have helped me.  Knowing that someone would know if I quit kept me going when it seemed pointless.  Thank you.  And many thanks to my husband who supported me in this experiment, even when he was tired on a Sunday night.

Happy New Year, everyone.  May God bless us all with success and determination as we face life in 2011.
I’ll see you next week for my first update on a year of helpful habits.

Sincerely,
Jennifer

Because my weekly report has been so beneficial to me personally, I’ve decided to incorporate it into my goals for the coming year.  I see no reason to do away with a good habit.  SO, I’ll introduce my 2011 plan on New Year’s Day, and be back next Sunday for my final One Step Report, which will run through the 31st.  I’m excited to spend some time this week reading through my lists from 2010 to see what sticks out in my mind as I prepare a final summary for next week.  The following Sunday will be my first report for the 2011 theme.

With that out of the way, here’s my report for the week.  Total steps:  97
Highlights:

1.  We loved celebrating our daughter’s third birthday on Monday.  She is my angel.

2.  I left my house messier than I’ve ever done before, but we made it out the door to spend Christmas in Denver.

3.  On our way out of town we stopped at the Doctor’s office to confirm that my teenager had, indeed, broken his wrist.  Lovely.

4.  We made it to Denver safely.  I was more stressed about the roads than I can say, but we experienced a parting of the sea in our own small way, with a starry sky overhead and passable roads.  I felt humbled and grateful for the Lord’s awareness of us.  And for the record, I’d forgotten how much I love the winter constellations because the clouds have obscured them for so long in Utah!

5.  We’ve spent a busy four days with this group of kids, nineteen in all.

6.  As often happens when large families gather, I’ve witnessed some moments of tension, but also some moments of reconciliation that really tugged at my heart.

7.  Our one year old woke up vomiting at 1:00 a.m. on Christmas morning.  She threw up all night long.  We survived.

8.  I managed Christmas dinner for 34 people.  I was so grateful for my husband, who held the sick baby all day long so I could do it, and for helping hands in the form of my sisters and sisters in law.

9.  I have thoroughly enjoyed some wonderful conversations with extended family members.  I’ve loved talking to my mom, to my brother and his wife, and particularly with my sister-in-law Kate.  It’s such a blessing to be related to amazing people.  Being around everyone has shown me so many talents and strengths they all have.  I want to be a better person.

10.  My mom had knee replacement surgery the week before we all came to town.  My heart aches for her pain and discomfort as she tries to recover.  It’s been a privilege to spend a little bit of time talking with her.  I love her so much and am so thankful that she let us come for this holiday in spite of the stress it created for she and my Dad.

And so Christmas has now come and gone, leaving clutter everywhere in its wake.  I feel blessed to have celebrated this holiday with my family, something we haven’t done in eight years.

I hope this week, your last week of 2010, is a meaningful one!

Jennifer

I hardly know what to say about this week.  It was both wonderful and stressful, rejuvenating and exhausting.  I’ve felt so many different feelings, done so many different things.  I guess the best way to sum it up is simply to say, “It’s December.”

Total steps recorded:  98.
Highlights:

1.  I was able to visit a dear friend and see her precious new baby this week.  She let me hold her little Claire and we had the best talk.   It was just what my heart needed.  Thanks Robyn!

2.  We took our family to see an impressive display of gingerbread houses.  I love looking at them.  The creative use of different candy and other edible supplies is inspiring.  I would really love to make one of my own some year.

3.  I didn’t have time for this, but I had to do it.  I’m running low on chicken in my freezer so I’ve been watching for a good sale.  (You can find more about how I shop for food here.)  It went on sale a few weeks ago at one grocery store, and for some reason I just spaced it and didn’t buy any.  I’ve been praying for another opportunity to buy chicken at that price and it came.  I can’t think of a week when I had less desire to spend time or money on a bunch of chicken, but I prayed for it so what was I to do?  When I prayed for the sale I sort of committed myself to take advantage of it.  I spent an evening chopping up 50 pounds of chicken for the freezer.

4.  I had a breakfast at my home on Wednesday morning to celebrate the birthday of a friend.  A series of small things put me in a position where I could provide either a meal to eat or a clean house, but not both.  I chose the food, and invited my guests into a family room that made me cringe.  It wasn’t easy, but I took a deep breath and decided to ignore the mess instead of dwelling on it.  We had the most wonderful visit and I learned some good lessons.

5.  We attended a piano recital for our four children who take lessons.  I felt pleased with their progress and happy that we’re pressing forward with better practicing habits.

6.  I attended a cookie exchange with many friends from my old neighborhood.  It was nice to see them.

7.  Early Saturday morning I drove to the Salt Lake Temple to attend the marriage sealing for these two impressive young people.  It was an honor to be there.

8. Circumstances were such that I had some quiet time alone while at the temple.  I got to wander a bit, thinking, observing, noticing things.  In the marriage waiting room I also had time to read the scriptures since I knew no one, and I learned some things from the Spirit.  It was good to be still.

9.  On Saturday night I had the assignment to put together the food table for the wedding reception.  I hauled all of my awesome silver platters and cake stands, along with my twelve year old daughter who saved the day, and went to work.  I feel like I did a good job of executing the presentation of the food.  It was beautiful and I heard a lot of good things as I restocked the table throughout the evening.  My daughter and I had a great time.  I was so proud of her work ethic and enjoyed spending the night with her.  We went home exhausted but happy for the chance to serve.

10.  Tonight we took our children to Tithing Settlement with the Bishop.  It was a great opportunity for our family, a way to reinforce true principles for our children, and a way to provide a bit of cheap entertainment for our bishop.  Our youngest two were real charmers while we were there.  (At least they weren’t screaming!)

As I end the week my heart is full.  Life is good.  We are richly blessed.

HH

Earlier in the year I felt excited as my report numbers got higher, feeling a little bit amazed at myself for not missing a single week. The last month or so has been different, for I feel unprepared to have the year end.  In many ways I have accomplished a lot, but there is so much more I had hoped to do in 2010.

This week’s report should really be titled “Adventures in Mothering”, for that pretty much sums things up.  Every one of my children have thrown some curve balls this week.  First came the boy who said he was sick when it was time to go to school (but who, of course, wasn’t.  How did I forget the rule we have for him that you only stay home from school if you’re running a fever or have already thrown up?).  There really isn’t a way to add up time spent holding an ornery, teething baby or the number of minutes spent in the bathroom with a charming two year old.  You’ve heard about Little Mister Mischief, who was at it again today with homemade play dough colored with red kool aid smashed into my carpet.  His generous sister, who received it at Church, didn’t think about what would happen when she shared it.  We’ve had an eight year old in almost constant emotional meltdown and a six year old in eternal whining mode.    We’ve had light bulbs smashed, a free-standing chalk board (which I love) destroyed, glass broken,  messes made, falls down stairs, fights, lost shoes, you name it.  It’s been a wild week.  I’m not even going to start on the hours of headaches brought on by my very-frustrating-right-now-but-full-of-long-term-potential-if-I-don’t-kill-him-first teenager.  (Did you like that one?)  And just in case you think I’m exaggerating, my husband will confirm the truth of the list.  I am exhausted. And all this while I’m supposed to be getting a million things done.

The first week of December felt so full of the spirit and my heart was so optimistic for the month.  This week has squashed it somewhat.  My children have made so many withdrawals without many moments of peace and calm that I’m feeling like a well that’s gone dry.  You have NO IDEA how sincerely I am CRAVING SOME QUIET.  I’m going to find a way to make the coming week better, much better, than this has been.

And so here we are.  Because we’re traveling for Christmas, have another birthday to celebrate before we go and a wedding I’m helping with this weekend, I feel like my drop-dead day for Christmas, and even for the year, is Friday.  Many things have already been dropped from my list, but some I can’t bear to let go of yet.  Man oh man, I’ve got a lot to do!  I’m praying (quite earnestly) for children who aren’t in pain, aren’t interested in playing with powder, and who aren’t in the mood to fight.  Hmmm, I wonder what my chances are on that one.

And so here we go.  This week’s total:  101 steps recorded.  I’m not going to go back and count how many of them were cleaning up broken, stained or powder-covered things.  I’m pretty sure I’ll cry if I do.

Highlights:

1.  I’m not at all responsible for this, but my baby learned how to crawl down the stairs this week.  Hooray for her!  All too often she will follow the big kids upstairs only to have them all parade back down a few minutes later.  If no one notices she wants to come down, she simply finds things she can carry and starts dropping them from the upstairs landing down into the entry way.  The items get bigger and heavier until she gets someone’s attention.  Early in the week she found a piece of a revolver that Grandpa Harrison had engraved and given to my oldest, which she promptly dropped.  Oh, were we glad that no one was near when that one came down!  Both she and her Mommy are happy that she can now just follow the kids back down to join the party.  No more raining random items from upstairs!

2.  Somehow, in spite of moments like this, the house is relatively clean.  Because pretty much all I did this week was clean up random messes.

3.  I found some cool glass dishes at the thrift store.  I’m excited to use them, but I think I’d better quit going there, because I really don’t need any more dishes.  Even if they’re vintage, and beautiful, and super cheap.  Yep, I’d better quit.  But I did pick up another dictionary which will be put to good use.

4.  Thanks to the convenience of ebay, I was able to find a replacement Mary for this nativity.

5.  On Thursday I picked up a few hundred pounds of food and many boxes of #10 cans for a dry pack canning activity I was responsible for on Saturday morning (because December isn’t busy enough?!).  My space shuttle van was totally packed with stuff.

6.  I’ve been kind of a slacker in the breakfast department for a while, so this week I did a better job of cooking breakfasts that my family really like  (egg, ham & cheese on bagels being one of the school day favorites).

7.  This was a week when 90 percent of the things I did were addressed, not because I wanted to do them, but because it was my duty to do them.    I wanted to be working on other things, like Christmas preparations.  Because I felt so buried in daily life I battled discouragement a lot this week.  I cried a few times, and once I locked myself in my office so I wouldn’t light into a child I was pretty upset with.  But there were also many times when I blinked back the tears and went to work.  I didn’t get to anything that was important to me personally, but I kept my word and met my obligations.  At least I can feel good about that.

8.  Tonight I climbed in bed with my twelve year old (who was totally annoyed with me and not afraid to show it) and we talked. I helped her with some things and we ended up laughing really hard together.  It felt good.

And so the week is done.  I am grateful for my Heavenly Father who gave us the gift of his Son.  There might be hope for me yet, thanks to Him.

Have a great week!
Jennifer

If it is true that the sky is the daily bread of the eyes, I’m feasting each day around 5 pm.  The one thing I can say about clouds is that they’re great material for sunsets.   I think I’m going to post more often about our gray skies in Utah so that the sun can come out.  This week we  had three days with some sun!  I must say that on this subject I’d be thrilled to be proven wrong.

The first magical days of December have come and gone, providing rich learning experiences for my heart.  We’ve begun our evening readings of Christmas stories and have spent time snuggling in the glow of white Christmas lights.   I’m trying to savor it all and squash the part of me that lists over and over again the things I haven’t yet done.  There is this sense of urgency, not just because the Christmas holiday is coming quickly but also because the year is ending.  There are still so many things I wanted to accomplish.

As I said, I’ve had some wonderful learning experiences, but I’m saving them for another post.   This week’s report:  90 steps.

Highlights:

1.  We celebrated our son’s 10th birthday on Monday.  He is a gem and we love him so much.

2.  I attended a funeral on Thursday for a good man.  My heart aches as I watch his family try to decide how to begin the task of living without him.  I walked away from that day thinking to myself, “I have a husband.  I should never complain about anything again.”  So why am I such a wimp sometimes?

3.  Thanksgiving decorations were put away and Christmas items made their appearance.  We’re planning to travel during the holidays so the topic of a tree caused some debate.  My husband wanted to skip it entirely to make room in the budget for other things and to ensure that we don’t have a dried out tree in our home while we’re gone.  I can’t imagine snuggling with the kids reading Christmas stories without a tree in the room.  So we compromised.  I bought a very cheap, small, artificial tree that will fill in for our traditional fresh tree this year.  (My extended family might disown me for this.)  None of us are impressed with the tree as it really is a very sorry stand-in for the experience of cutting our own, but it did help that I promised the children that the artificial tree can live in the toy room as their own little tree next year.  I loved the enthusiasm of my little ones as they quickly ran for pillows and blankets to camp out under the tree mid-day.  Whatever will we do when we don’t have little ones in our home someday?

4.  A friend kindly came over and snapped some pictures of our family on Saturday.  I needed something for our Christmas cards (which are behind schedule AGAIN this year).  Let’s just say that it was an adventure.

5.  On Saturday afternoon my husband and I were privileged to attend a sealing ceremony for some friends whose adopted child was sealed to them for eternity.  It was precious, and in addition to being there we had a special personal experience with a complete stranger who won us over with her kindness and enthusiasm.   Just one more reminder that God really does know who I am.

6.  I am really trying to relax and enjoy  this holiday season, whatever it brings.  I tried to mentally note the times when we simply laughed.  It feels so good to laugh.  Why don’t I do it more often?

7.  Try as I do to help everyone have good experiences, there are more of these moments than I’d like.  They make me feel a little sad.  Sometimes it’s overwhelming to be responsible for the emotional and physical well-being of so many people.

8.  I bought my son a 500 piece puzzle for his birthday.  While I’ve decided he would have enjoyed a 300 piece puzzle more, it was fun today to sit down several times and work on it with my oldest children.

9.  I tried something new with white Christmas lights in my kitchen this year and I LOVE it.  They’re definitely staying up for the entire winter.  We’re having way too much fun with them.

I’m grateful to be alive, grateful we have each other, grateful for my Savior.  I love this time of year.  Life is good, very good.

Have a great week!

Jennifer

I thoroughly enjoyed the Thanksgiving weekend and am struggling with the idea of getting back in the swing of things tomorrow morning.  Can’t I just keep my kids home like this until January?   I have loved the slow pace and the freedom to do whatever we want.  I really want this Christmas season to be calm and nourishing to our hearts.  I’m not sure how I’m going to do it, but I’m certainly going to try.

This week’s report:  89 steps.
Highlights:

1.  I spent a great deal of time with this little cutie, helping her master the use of the bathroom.  I’m happy to say that in 8 days she has had only four accidents, day or night.  She’s sleeping in her cute little underwear and doing a great job.  I’m very proud of her.

2.  I got most of my Christmas shopping done before Thanksgiving.  I am NOT a Black Friday shopper.

3.  Because we were hosting Thanksgiving dinner, I got a lot of little housekeeping things done.  You know, cleaning out this drawer, hanging that thing, etc.

4.  I chose the paint color I’m using to refinish my dining room chairs.  I hope they turn out how I want them to.

5.  Something happened today that tugged at my daughter’s heart.  As I watched, I remembered the same thing happening to me when I was her age.  I remembered how I felt.  It was good to relive those feelings and I hope it helped me respond well to her expression of disappointment.

6.  Still teething, my youngest has had a tough week.  She had a terrible night a day or two ago and I ended up holding her for almost 4 hours.  I feel sorry for her pain and hope that these molars will come in quickly so we can have our happy little girl back.

7.  Yesterday I got my Christmas cards designed.  Now I only need to make 150 of them, and convince my family to get our picture taken together.  Sound fun? (And yes, I know this should have been done a month ago.  Oh well.)

8.  On Friday night I attended a bridal shower for an amazing young woman.  It’s been such a pleasure to watch her grow up.  I came home with a heart full of memories and feelings about my own journey through the stage she’s now in.  Lots to think about.

9.  I figured out how to make something that I’m really excited about, and am hoping to steal a few minutes to complete it.

Tonight we enjoyed a feeling of calm and relaxation as a family, something we relish in this brief season without sports schedules eating up our time.  In fact, it’s a feeling we’ve had a lot over the past 4 days.  I’m trying not to think about the countless tasks that will hit this week.  They’ll still be there in the morning.

I hope that your Thanksgiving holiday was a fantastic one and wish you well in all your activities and plans for December.  I can hardly believe I have only one month left in this One Step journey of mine.   Doesn’t it seem like we just welcomed the year 2010?  It’s hard to believe it will soon belong to the past.

Have a great week!

Jennifer

Traditionally I’ve tried to keep these reports positive, and I promise they will remain that way, but I hope you’ll forgive me a few minutes of honesty.   The struggles are, after all, part of the journey, and this week has been an emotional struggle.

For the past 3 years I’ve struggled with Utah winters.  It wasn’t like this for the first 10 years that I lived here.  The new format showcases a blanket of clouds that descends over the state and stays put for 5-6 months.  I swear the clouds are a mile thick, and generally they prove to be impenetrable by the sun.  There are usually two times each day when sunlight is visible.  The first, on most mornings, is sunrise.  As it rises over the east mountains, a few minutes of light can be seen before the sun is shrouded in clouds.

The second happens at 5 pm when the sun sets and for five minutes a glorious painting spreads itself across the sky.  For five minutes I stand there, drinking in the little patches of blue and the soft pastel colors that wash over the cloud-covered sky.  Today as I watched it, there was a single shaft of light that made it under the clouds and over the mountain to kiss everything in it’s path with gold before the sun was too low to offer more.  A two foot high, horizontal strip of branches on my cherry tree were dazzlingly beautiful… for five minutes.  It’s so beautiful that I can ALMOST forgive the clouds for robbing me of sunlight.  All other hours of the day feature shades of one color:  gray.  It’s like having dusk last for 8 hours each day.   I wasn’t ready for the arrival of gray, but it’s definitely here and I’m trying to summon strength to face it.  I wish I could claim that I’m exaggerating, but last year I started watching the clock and keeping a record of how many minutes of sunlight we had, and the number never got very big.

So I’m thankful for sunsets because they’re the only sunlight I can count on.    Winter is now a very real exercise in being grateful for the sun that seems out of reach and invisible, and having faith that it will eventually appear.  If you’re living within the reach of blue skies and sunlight, please look up and smile at it for me.

This week’s report:  82 steps.   Truthfully, I accomplished a lot, but there was so much more I felt like I should get to.   This is a week when I remind myself why I started this whole project in the first place, as all these little things don’t appear to be adding up to what I envision.   Sometimes you have to make allowances for unexpected speed bumps like 3-day migraine headaches, two sick children, one teething baby, and one toddler who decided to potty train herself without warning.  All of those speed bumps converged on the same three days of my week and I still feel like crying (except that it would only make my head hurt more).  I know they’re all small things but they felt heavy.

Highlights (and I promise they really are highlights):

1.  We celebrated my daughter’s 12th birthday, complete with homemade dutch apple pie instead of cake.  A trip to the mall for ear piercing finished the day.

2.  I baked and baked and baked.  Friday night we had a cookie decorating party for my daughter and 14 of her friends.  They all decorated a tray of cookies while they giggled and squealed and talked at the same time.  Seriously, I have NEVER had so much noise in my home.  It was amazing.  It’s a good thing they’re such great girls!

3.  Fifteen hours after my daughter’s birthday party we had my son’s birthday party.   He invited a group of friends to go on a special mission at the Christina McAuliffe Space Education Center in our local school district.  I enjoyed watching them complete their mission from the control room.  They did a great job and had a fun (and intense) time.

4.  In the middle of birthday party preparations we had our Thanksgiving plans change and I am now hosting Thanksgiving dinner for 30 at my home in four days.  I’ve got my work cut out for me, but it will be fun.

5.  I finished reading a chapter book to my children.

6.  I didn’t say anything harsh when I discovered my son left a nice hardback book outside last night… to get snowed on.  I didn’t even let myself ask him why on earth it was out there in the first place.

7.  I witnessed a small miracle in the life of one son.  In spite of my inclination to complain, I must say that all of the week’s frustration and emotion was worth it.

8.  I needed to run a few errands mid-week and I’m happy to say that my four year old boy was incredibly helpful and cheerful.  Not once did he burst into hysterics and lay on the floor screaming.  That’s progress!

9.  This morning I got up a couple of hours before my family to have some quiet time alone.  It wasn’t nearly long enough, but it sure helped.

And so we head into another week, Thanksgiving week.  I’m all partied out and ready to begin afresh physically, mentally, emotionally.  I think I’d better add “a new week” to my 2010 Gratitude List.  What are you thankful for tonight?

Hopeful Homemaker

The week has been a full one, but I needed it to hold much more than it did.  My baby had a particularly tough week, needing lots of attention and time in my arms, which motivated my two and four year-olds to seek the same.  More than once during the week I looked down at three people standing at my knees, arms up, crying “hold me!”  And I thought to myself, “Seriously?  All three of you?!?”  Much as I love motherhood, sharing one lap between three crying children gets old quickly.  It’s good for me to remind myself that although I have only three at home during the day, life is intense with three little ones, no matter how many more come spilling through the door after school.

At the end of one long day this week when my husband had left for an appointment I hadn’t known about, I sat wearily at the dinner table with my 8 children.  I confess I didn’t really want to be there.  I wanted them to be in bed, I wanted to be done being needed for the day.  I looked around the table in the soft glow of the lights and told myself, “Someday I will miss this.”  I didn’t think it because my heart was tugging at me.  I didn’t think it because I was trying to enjoy the moment.  It came on blind faith, faith in the words of the hundreds of mothers who have gone before me who say, “Someday you will miss it.”  That promise is perhaps the most universal one offered by every mother I know whose children have grown and gone.  And because they are women I know, respect, love and want to be like, I believe them.

So I paused.  I looked around the table, listened to snatches of the little conversations they were having with the sibling nearest them.  I looked at the sizes of their bodies, the way they sat in their chairs, some of them filling the seat and others almost being swallowed by them.  I watched the way they held their forks, some with expertise and others with minimal control.  I tried to memorize them.  I tried to memorize the curve of their cheeks, the color of their hair, their eyelashes almost touching chubby little cheeks.  I tried to memorize their voices, the way they sound right now, the things they did or didn’t like on their plates.  I watched the way they looked at each other, the way they talked to each other, the way the older ones helped the baby as she sat so proudly in her little chair at the table.  I tried to memorize all of this and for a moment I felt like I was standing just outside the room watching a re-run of an old movie with dim lights and faded colors, observing a traditional family gathered around a traditional table for a traditional meal.

It soon passed, they finished eating, my husband came home, we moved on with the evening and put them to bed.  It’s funny.  I didn’t have any kind of emotional reaction at the time I paused to observe all these things but as I type it tears stream down my cheeks.  I hope that time will not rob me of that picture I still see, of my eight young children scattered around my kitchen table on a random night eating a simple meal.  And in a sense, those few minutes might be the most important thing I did this week.

My report for the week:  100 steps.
Highlights:

1.  My tulip bulbs arrived in the mail.

2.  We woke up to gray skies and rain on Monday morning.  I was tempted to wait for better weather but instead went out in the rain and dug trenches along the edges of my flower beds.  I planted those bulbs, all 250 of them.  It felt good to be doing yard work in the lousy weather, and as the week wore on I was so glad that I got them in the ground when I did.  As the temperatures dropped I felt like gloating at the winter weather, daring it to do whatever it wanted because I have already won.  I’ll have flowers in the spring.

3.  I got my hair cut.

4.  On Thursday morning I had a friend over and we worked on a Fall project together.  It was so much fun to let the little ones play while we talked and worked.   Friends are one of life’s good things, wouldn’t you say?

5.  Late Thursday night as I was driving home from something I saw the moon and it took my breath away.  It hung low and large over the west horizon, a waning gibbous that looked as if it had slipped from it’s spot just a bit, almost laying on its back.  It looked like the color of golden wheat, and as I drove I realized I was seeing the very sight that has caused illustrators for generations to depict the moon with a nose, cheekbones, and a slight smile.  The sight was so magical that I felt I could almost see those details, the moon smiling down on a peaceful night as I smiled up at a most beautiful sight.

6.  Thanks to my sister, I looked at the Happiness Project blog and saw this list of happiness mistakes.  It was thought provoking to consider how many of them I make at different times, and healthy to consider ways to grow and change.

7.  I had a lucky bit of time when my three little ones all fell asleep at the same time.  I had a million things to do but I sat down in a comfortable spot and read a good book.

8.  I discovered my baby had cut her first molar.  (that explains some crying)

9.  I discovered my baby had cut her first canine.  (that explains more crying)

10.  I discovered my baby has two other molars on their way in.  (that explains the rest of her crying, but none of it explains the crying of the two or four year-olds)

11.  My two oldest daughters went with me to the baptism of my cousin’s daughter on Saturday night.  It was wonderful, and I had a lot of fun talking with my cousins, my aunt and uncle, and others.  We were so grateful to be invited.

12.  This morning I got up 2.5 hours earlier than everyone else and enjoyed a most pleasant, quiet, morning.  I had dinner made and in the refrigerator before 7 a.m.  I wish I could do this every day!

13.  Tonight we attended a fireside as a family and listened to our 9 year-old son speak.  He did an outstanding job and we felt so proud of him.  He is a great young man.

I am stunned that November is already half over.  Like everyone else, there is so much to do and so little time.  It’s sobering, and I hope that I’m careful and making good choices with what time I have.  I’ve got two birthday parties to pull off before I can worry about Thanksgiving, so I’m praying for a happy baby this week.  I can say this about raising children:  I’m pretty sure there’s no danger of a boring life in my future.  Something will always be going on.

Have a great week!
Jennifer

I love November.  It’s a month for gathering in, watching the sun rise, enjoying slow, quiet evenings and good books.  It’s the month we drink in all the comforts of home after a busy August through October.   November slows my life down, slows my heart down, and provides a precious pause before December.   I wish it was 45 days long.

Report for the week:  81 steps.  Lots of  little things this week, little things that were important because  most of them were part of preparing for my daughter’s baptism.

Highlights:

1.  On Monday night we had a family Book of Mormon party to celebrate our recent completion of the book.  It was a fun night together.

2.  I voted.

3.  I spent a day running errands, and got much less accomplished than I hoped.  The baby screamed the entire time.  It helped me to feel very humble, and reminded me why I generally avoid running errands.  I felt like crying several times but managed to stay calm.

4.  I feel like I finished a few dozen little things this week:  replacing glass in a picture frame, hanging this, fixing that.  It feels good to just be done with things!

5.  My heart was full as I watched my daughter enter the waters of baptism with her father.  It was a perfect moment.

6.  I spent time engaging in imaginative play with my two and four year olds, which means that I just followed orders and choked back my laughter.

7.  We loved having my parents here for the weekend.

8.  With my parents, we did a lot of laughing at the funny things our younger children said.  Sometimes I wonder how people find humor in life without little children to provide it.  I’m grateful ours is rich in laughter, thanks to innocent but oh-so-charming little ones.

9.  In an uncharacteristic move, I decided to go ultra simple on food for our gathering this weekend, and it felt good.  I chose to order a 6 foot sub sandwich instead of cooking for the luncheon.  I added a basket of apples and little bags of chips for a casual feeling.  The children loved it and I enjoyed having more time to talk.  Simple is good.

That said, I have a long list of things I want to do to enjoy this season of Thanksgiving.  We’ll see how simple my list gets as the week progresses.  There is much to enjoy and much to be grateful for.

Have a great week!

Hopeful Homemaker

That about sums up my heart tonight.  The children are in bed.  Correction:  Seven of the children are in bed.  One of them is back out of bed.  As I type this the sounds of my four year old contentedly eating the dinner he refused to touch four hours ago carry through the house.  October is complete and with a happy heart I prepare to greet November.  You may be tired of my pictures of the sky, but I cannot resist sharing one last fiery October sunset.  Honestly, it’s been a beautiful month.

This week’s report:  107 steps.  Oh, how I wish this number represented forward progress in areas that really matter to me.  Unfortunately the week was crammed full of  urgent but unimportant tasks and activities.  If  nothing else, at least I have a list of all the things I did when I wanted to be doing better things.

With the end of another month, the current grand total of steps for the year is over 3,000.  Who would have guessed?

Highlights:

1.  After almost 15 hours of time in 5 days dedicated to his soccer team, our son’s fall season is over and we are officially done for a couple of months.  (Could you hear that sigh of relief?)

2.  With the end of his season, I am taking a leave of absence from my part-time, unpaid position as shuttle driver.  I intend to stay OUT of my car as much as possible.  Yes, we’ll still have gymnastics four days a week, piano lessons, Scouts, etc. but removing the soccer and lacrosse schedules makes the calendar look rather dreamy in comparison to September and October.

3.  I thoroughly enjoyed the things my four year old son said to me this week.  A couple of examples:  “Mom, my leg muscles are insanely huge.”  After watching the Math Circus DVD by Leap Frog, I overheard him walking around the house saying “And zero is our special friend.”  That boy is a riot, I tell you.  And for the record, I should state that he walked into the Primary room of his own accord today. For weeks he’s been laying on the floor to kick and scream immediately following Sacrament meeting.  Big victory.

4.  On Monday night I had a great learning experience as a mother with my two year old daughter.  Precious.

5.  I bought a new hair dryer this week after my old one died (when myself and 3 daughters all had wet hair and it was raining outside).  They seem to quit on me after only 6 months or so anymore.  Is it just me?  I’ve tried multiple brands, and they all fizzle out and stop.  If you’ve got one that works, I’m anxious to know what kind it is.  I’m tired of buying them.

6.  I had professional pictures taken of my little one this week.  I’m excited to see them, and really hope that one of them captured the essence of her.

7.  One of my dear friends who moved away in August was back for a quick trip.  I loved seeing her, catching up briefly, and sharing a hug.

8.  We had a truckload of dirt delivered, and my awesome husband moved it to where our flower beds will be in the front yard so that I can plant tulips (which are en route via UPS because I couldn’t find what I wanted locally). Somehow we got lucky and managed to schedule the dirt delivery when the weather was pleasant.

9.  I cooked some favorite recipes.  Yum.

10.  Today I had the opportunity to teach a short lesson on the topic of reverence. It was a great experience for me.  I know that it is never my own intelligence or wisdom that I’m sharing, but it is always an experience I enjoy.  Today was no different.  I learned so much.

11.  And just to keep things real, we have this picture from our ultra reverent scripture study this evening:

That would be me with three children climbing all over me.  And here’s proof of how quiet we weren’t:

I have no explanation for the thirteen year old who felt that taking pictures was an appropriate way to “follow along.”  All I can say is that we’re not quitters and we’ll do better tomorrow.

And so another week has come and gone.  The next promises to be an exciting one.
Have a great week!

Jennifer