One Step Report #37

My heart felt drawn to this leaf tonight. It seems to illustrate how I feel about life right now.  I know that fall is just around the corner, or, rather, at my doorstep.  Yet still I find myself hanging onto green, not ready to welcome the hints of red and orange gathering at the edges of my life.  I feel like I need more time for end of summer routines to become habits, more time to focus on organization and functionality.  I love fall, but it also represents to me the beginning of a whirlwind.  We have four birthdays between early October and Christmas, in addition to Halloween and Thanksgiving.  This year we’ll have a baptism as well.  As the red and orange work their way in, my heart cries out “Not yet!  I’m not ready!  There is still so much for me to do!”  Once October starts, my life will be one long sprint to January.  I know that when I open my heart and welcome it in, I love this season completely.  Cool temperatures, crunchy leaves, warm jackets, soup, fresh bread.  Oh, it’s a glorious time of year, but tonight I’m holding fast to green.

This week’s report:  82 steps.  Sounds better than it felt.  It was a rugged week.

1.  The entire week was one long experience in how to measure .  While my house was undoubtedly on the losing end, my heart came out ok.  I’m calling that a victory.

2.  The little ones and I didn’t feel great, as we were all fighting the same frustrating cold.  On Tuesday I followed their lead and we had a lazy day.  I let them stay in their pajamas a little longer, and they all sort of snuggled on the floor together and fell asleep at different times.  Not good for the schedule, but good for their bodies.

3.  I attended an annual parent meeting at the charter school my elementary-aged children attend .  I feel fortunate to have them learning in an outstanding environment and came away motivated to be a better mom.

4.  The driving, driving and driving of this season got to me this week.  I hate feeling like I’m operating in a mental fog (due to my cold).  By Friday night I felt like I was on the verge of getting really sick, purely due to exhaustion.  I prayed my way home as I drove the 45 minutes from our soccer game with a van full of tired, hungry children and a Mom who had nothing left to offer.  I asked for a priesthood blessing, and an hour later felt fine.  I have a grateful heart.

5.  Yesterday I drove my son and the two littlest ones to Heber for his soccer game.  (And they won! I was praying the entire game for a good experience.)  On our way through Provo Canyon I was awed by the beauty of the leaves and kicked myself several times for leaving my camera sitting at home.  My son and I both saw one view on the way home of the evening sunlight filtering through some red leaves that left us quiet with reverence for the beauty of our world.

6.  In spite of feeling lousy most of the week, I had a few opportunities to be of service, and a few moments when I recognized a reminder of Heavenly Father’s love for me, left behind where I would notice it.  I didn’t deserve them, but wholeheartedly accepted them.

7.  Tonight we packed a picnic dinner and headed back up the canyon (with camera in hand) for a few hours of basking in the scenery of the season.  It was a wonderful night.  We watched the moon rise over the red, orange and golden mountains before we headed home.

As I look back over the week, the overwhelming feeling that remains is the absolute fact that, when Mom is off her game, the whole family is off.  Whether I like it or not, so much depends on me.  That said, it’s also true that even when the house is a mess and we all feel disorganized, tired and stressed, if Mom can smile and find a way to see the good in every situation, the whole family pulls through.  So while our physical environment has taken some hits over the past 7 days, in general we’ve weathered it cheerfully and made some good memories along the way.  It’s been a good experience for me, one that has given me cause for reflection and also prompted yet another evaluation of my priorities.  One thing’s for sure:  I’m learning a lot.

And slowly, ever so slowly, I’m getting better at it.  The flashes of understanding and revelation are far ahead of our habits.  I know that insight is not change, but it’s a start, and I’m willing to work.

So we’re off on another week’s adventure.  My best wishes to you in yours.


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