Category: Yearly Goals

I really have no right to title this post “Joy.”  I’ve seriously considered dropping this project here and now, walking away, and never again showing my face at Hopeful Homemaker.  It’s just been one of those weeks.

A week when:

My oldest daughter was away at camp.  Good for her, sad for me.  I lost my best helper for the week, but it was sure nice when she came home on Friday!

A simple dentist appointment turned into a root canal, during which the side of my face they were working on was numb but the other side of my face, the side where my TMJ is the worst, was throbbing with shooting pains up through my jaw and into my ear for two hours.  I guess I have a small mouth, because it also tears the corner of my mouth, leaving an ugly scabby sore that takes weeks to heal and looks like I forgot to wipe my mouth with a napkin at my last meal.  Want to see me reduced to a crying mess?  Go with me to the dentist.  It doesn’t matter what I do or what they do, I walk out of there in more pain.  And feeling like an idiot.

After 13 weeks , our health insurance company still hasn’t been able to correctly process the claim from my son’s ankle surgeon.  Amazing.  It’s been in the “rush cue” since June 1.  Since all the claims from our June 27 surgery have already been processed, I think it’s safe to say that someone in the “rush” department has been napping.  For like six weeks.   I must be honest and say that we did experience the small miracle of them properly handling the claim from the hospital, which was sending threatening letters and mean spirited callers our way.  There’s nothing like having an almost daily phone call with your insurance company for more than two months.  We should just go out to lunch; I talk to her more than I talk to my friends or family.   Much as I like her, I won’t mind when this is all done and I can drop that part time, unpaid job.

We had seven doctor or dentist appointments this week.  I should have been doing laundry!  Or reading stories to my children.

Now that we’ve met our out of pocket maximum for the year, I had the short lived comfort of thinking that whatever might come next will at least be covered at 100%.  Enter my nine year old daughter with a sudden recession of her gum.  Another trip to the dentist and…. lucky us!  There are three reasons why this happens, but of course none of them apply to her.  Nevertheless, she needs a graft.  Which, naturally , will be run on our DENTAL insurance, which stinks.  If we’re lucky it will be covered at 50%.  So much for out of pocket maximums!

I came home and all I had to say was this:  CAN WE PLEASE HAVE A FILLING?  JUST A REGULAR OLD FILLING, PLEASE.  A REGULAR OLD ANYTHING WOULD BE NICE.  YOU KNOW, SOMETHING LIKE A TWISTED ANKLE, OR A BLOODY NOSE OR MAYBE JUST STREP THROAT?  CAUSE I THINK I’M DONE WITH THIS WHOLE IF IT HURTS THEN IT’S BROKEN AND IF IT’S BROKEN THEN IT WILL NEED SURGERY AND IF IT NEEDS SURGERY THEN SOMETHING ELSE WILL HAPPEN TO EXTEND YOUR HEALING PROCESS.  I JUST WANT A REGULAR PROBLEM, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

Sorry about all those capital letters.  That was me yelling via type instead of using my lungs to do it.

I type all this and when I look at it in words it looks so small, so no big deal.  So why can’t it feel that way?  This week I told my husband, “Forget strong.  I’m done.  I’m ok with being one of the nameless faces that disappears into history because they weren’t strong enough.  Nobody has to remember me or tell stories about me.  I’m ok with being a wimp.  All I want to do is crawl in a hole and hide.”

And then I weeded my flowerbed and felt a little bit better.  I said to myself, “Well, I guess we’re doing fine.  At least one of the cars hasn’t broken down or something like that.”

So we drove to Payson last night to visit my brother-in-law and his family and our van broke down.

And that’s really scary because every night I have to give myself this pep talk that goes something like this:  At least my husband didn’t suffer a major brain injury.  At least my kids are all alive.  At least our house hasn’t burned down.  And the list goes on.  So in spite of my efforts to be positive, there’s part of me that’s wondering what’s next on my “at least” list.  I know I shouldn’t, but I’m getting a bit jumpy.

When we finally made it home last night I was sorely tempted to get in the working car and drive to the store to buy three of everything chocolate.  That was when I decided I was being completely irrational so I went to bed.

And now I’m wishing I’d bought some chocolate.

{Don’t you feel special that you get to read all this?  I’m so sorry!  I went back and forth over this post in my head, hoping I’d sort of rally before it was time to type, but I guess I haven’t bounced back yet and I don’t have the energy to fake it.  And here’s the really disturbing thing about all of this:  I have no excuse!  I’m the healthy one around here, the one who can walk and drive and carry the children.  Right now my husband sits next to me with a grimace on his face as he tries to straighten his leg.  I have no right to be disheartened.}

Deep breath.

Why is all this relevant?  Well, because it’s revealed something pretty important about me.  You see, things like this have been happening at an alarming frequency since the first of the year.  Truly, they’re no big deal in the long run.  I understand that, I really do.  Today’s mountains are tomorrow’s speed bumps.  But for some reason I can’t get the proper message to my heart.  It’s like these things are coming and they’re larger than normal and I’m dealing with them and then they’re over, but I’m storing up all this residual stress inside so it’s like it’s still happening even though it’s over.  I’m processing the stress, but I’m just letting it pile up inside me instead of figuring out how to let it go.  So now, when little things happen I have this huge emotional response because inside I’m in crisis.  Inside I’m totally overwhelmed.

So, in addition to all the other ugly things I’m learning about myself I now know that I haven’t yet learned how to cast my burdens on the Lord.  I know how to ask God for help, but I keep all the worry for myself.  Not sure how to fix it, but I guess it’s a significant thing to learn about myself.

Another deep breath.

Next week has to be better.  It just does.  So I’m pulling for clean laundry, a smile on my face, and I’d really like to type a full week of posts, good posts about happy things to help make up for this post.

We’re half done with July.  I hope you have something spectacular planned for the rest of the month!
Have a great week.

Jennifer

I’m already sleepy so this post will be short.

We’re a week into July and I’m feeling panicky about all the things I haven’t done yet, wondering how in the world to accomplish anything this summer.

My grandma passed away on Thursday.  It’s been a sad week.  I find myself  returning to her in my thoughts over and over again only to dismiss them again before I linger too long there.  I’m afraid to cry; I’m tired and stressed and stretched thin enough that I might not stop.

My husband is making progress and we’re moving toward a new “normal” rhythm in our routines.  Because he can’t drive there is a lot that has fallen to me and I find myself in the car much more than I’d like.  He had four doctor’s appointments, totaling over ten hours in doctor’s offices.  No big deal, but I just didn’t realize how long these therapy appointments take or how much they would throw off the daily routine around here.  We finally had a couple of nights when he’s slept well, offering me a couple of nights when I slept well too.  Thank goodness!

We went through 100 pounds of ice this week in his ice machine.  Lots of swelling going on in there.  He’s really being pretty awesome, complaining very little and trying to help where he can.

I find myself behind on nearly everything.  Several of the children had bad days this week, evidence that things have felt off balance to them as well.  I’m doing lots of holding for little bodies and lots of negotiating with the bigger ones.  The laundry needs attention.  The gardens need attention.  My closet and pantry need to be reckoned with.   No meal plan for next week has magically appeared on my refrigerator.  My reading schedule with the younger children has been thrown off and I need to reinstate it.

Tonight I find myself  gauging how much I should cross off my summer list because I’m obviously going to spend most of my time taking care of immediate needs.  Part of me is trying to convince myself that it’s ok, while another part of me is screaming in opposition, telling myself that if I would just work harder I could do both.   I’m afraid to start another school year before I get organized.

But life is good.  Today the children were nicer to each other.  Friday night I spent time with a dear friend who moved away and it was simply wonderful.  We chatted outside in the gathering darkness with some neighbors which went a long way toward making me feel better.  I’m doing some reading during all those doctor’s appointments.  My oldest daughter leaves for girl’s camp in the morning and I don’t know how I’m going to let her go.  She’s been so amazing in the past couple of weeks.  We have company coming to town and my guest room is a disaster.  I’ve got work to do, but it’s a good kind of work.  It’s evidence that my life is full of people, which is a blessing.

I’d better sleep while I can and get to work on that evidence first thing in the morning!

Have a great week!

Jennifer

It’s 10:20 p.m. and I have a house full of children who still won’t hold still and go to sleep.  The girls are trying to negotiate terms under which they can sleep in alternate rooms tonight, and I’ll be honest:  I don’t feel like a negotiating mom right now.  I don’t even feel like a  mom at all.  I feel like I’m about 2.5 seconds away from turning into a wicked witch.

Ridiculous, I know.  But true.  Truthfully, I’m just super tired.

The week has been a blur of ice machines, pillows, medication, meals and small milestones.

This week my husband had reconstructive surgery on his knee.  The damage was worse than the MRI showed, and they did a lot of work.   The result?  A stable knee which will heal just fine, but which will take longer than usual to heal.  He can’t put any weight on it for 6 weeks.  SO I kind of just became a one man show for the summer.  This will definitely be a process.  When I think that the ankle drama a few weeks ago kind of threw me off, I have to laugh at this because the ankle was nothing to this experience.  He’s been a good patient, relatively easy to care for, patient and kind and grateful for my efforts.  But he’s pretty trashed and I guess tonight it’s catching up with me.  The nights have been hard and I haven’t slept more than 3 hours at a stretch for several days, but it’s an honor to do it and I’m grateful I can.  I’m grateful he’s home and not in the hospital.

I’m grateful for a lot of things.

I’m grateful for how many people I’ve talked to because I’ve had countless opportunities to say aloud, “It’s going to be ok.”  I’ve said it so much I believe it, even when I turn and walk away with tears pricking at my eyes.  I just have to get stronger, and this is good for me.  What choice do I have?

I’m grateful we’re all together, that our house hasn’t been eaten up by fire, that we have health insurance, that so many things are right.  But because I’m so tired there’s a part of me tonight that whispers, “I want my life back.”  I know all it means is “I need some sleep”, but it comes out in funny forms sometimes, like wishing for some other point in time when things felt steady.  It hasn’t been a steady year.  But then I have to laugh at myself and ask, “When did I have the sense to look around and think that THIS was the point I would want back at some future date?  When have I ever been fully satisfied with how things were going right then?”   When we’re in it, there’s always something more to do or wish for.  So you blink a few times, check the clock, check the ice, check a million little things and then get ready to do it again.

So here’s what I’m learning:

1.  I should have pursued a degree in Nursing.
2.  When it’s hard to find things to be grateful for/happy about, you only have to look a little harder.  It’s buried in there     somewhere.
3.  If someone in our family is going to break something, it WILL need surgery.
4.  When you desperately need life to slow down but it doesn’t you can pause for a moment on little islands of calm.  If you look around and notice everything in those moments, like the breeze in the tree above you or the smell of the honeysuckle or the sound of sprinklers in the distance or the taste of a perfect slice of watermelon, it helps.
5.  Keep lots of 20 pound bags of ice in your freezer.  You never know how many of them you might need.
6.  If you happen to chip a large piece of cartilage (or two) off your femur in a biking crash, your surgeon can cut away more cartilage and drill holes in the bone to cause lots of bleeding in that area so your body can grow a form of replacement cartilage.  I find that totally amazing.  You just can’t walk while it’s happening.
7.  Enjoy what’s going on right now, even if you’re on the verge of becoming a wicked witch.  It’s all you’ve got and things can always get worse.
8.  If your insurance company messes up the same thing FOUR times with a dozen different claims, just BREATHE.  Keep breathing.  And try to get the direct phone number to someone who works there who also has a brain.
9.  If you tell your little children that you’re about to turn into a witch (thinking, of course, that they’ll figure it out and be quiet) it might backfire on you and cause them to WANT it to happen, just to witness the transformation.
10.  Pray always.  It really helps.

How’s that for variety?

So now that I dumped my frustrations here instead of jumping on my broom, I’ll just say that I did nothing at all this week to reach any of my goals.  I just tried to get us through the week.  I witnessed tender moments with some of my children and had a couple of moments when I was a really, really good, really effective parent.  If only that part of me would take up permanent residence here!  I got a bit of exercise, drank a lot of water and got to see two of my brothers and their families, as well as my sister and her husband this week.  What a joy!

We took care of all the cherries before the surgery.  It took all the children and I five hours in the kitchen to do it.  We dehydrated and froze all of them for snacking and for future use.  There was no time for jam or bottling.

So you see, life is wonderful.  And even though I’m pretty sure I’ll NEVER list 2012 as a year I’d like to go back and relive, I hope I’m living it well enough that I can look back on it as a year in which I grew, a year when I improved in essentials, a year when I chose joy.

So I’m going to paste a smile on my face and go talk to those kids.

And then I’m going to figure out how to make the 4th of July a decent day in spite of  what’s going on here.  It’s my favorite day of the year and I usually do a lot of work for it.  I’m not sure what, but I’ve got to do something to make it memorable (in a good way) or I might dissolve into a puddle of tears.  We’ve been out of town around the 4th a lot in recent years and when we planned the summer I was so happy that we would be home for the 4th with nothing going on!
Oh, I had big plans.  It’s all working out great except for the nothing going on part.  So I have a little re-working to do.

Have a great week!

Jennifer