Tag: joy

Tonight I feel overwhelmed with gratitude for the intense but wonderful week we had.  It was so many things packed into seven days that I hardly know where to begin.  I sat down this morning to write in my journal and it took more than two hours to summarize the events and what they mean to me.

There were things that didn’t go well.  We didn’t adjust well to the Daylight Savings time change and everyone is living on the brink of exhaustion.  My youngest two literally became nocturnal for several days and for no reason.  The lack of sleep took it’s toll and soon my baby was battling a fever for several days.  Six of us have ugly coughs.  I spent $145 on gas this week to get everyone to their commitments.  We ate fast food for dinner four times.   I didn’t touch my blog.  Basically we were a family running too fast and lots of things didn’t happen.

But lots of other things DID happen.  Wonderful things.  Things I need to remember.

My oldest four children take piano lessons but my son’s schedule prevents him from going at our scheduled time.  His teacher has allowed us to take a temporarily open Saturday slot when we can fit it in and my 7 year old has stepped into our open Tuesday slot so we can keep it.   My son needed to select a recital piece but we knew he couldn’t go on Saturday and I had four hours of driving to do on Tuesday night.  At 10:00 p.m. on Tuesday night she texted me and I drove him over to her house to listen to her play the piece for him, then give him a 20 minute lesson on the first two pages.  I sat there and learned some interesting things about how he learns.  The first time he played the notes he was already memorizing them.  It was fascinating.  We came home at 10:30 p.m. and I thought to myself that we might have just set a record for the latest piano lesson of all time.  More than that, my heart swelled with gratitude for a woman who cares so much about my son and his progress that she would do such a thing.  My heart is still swelling with thanks to and for her.  It was just one of those moments that a mom doesn’t soon forget.

On Wednesday I hosted a casual lunch for five women I’ve known for years.  We all still live in the same general community but are so busy with our families that we rarely sit and talk.   I’ve really backed away from entertaining in the past couple of years so hosting it felt like a stretch for me.  Gratefully I got the house tidy and the bathrooms clean before everyone arrived.  Honestly, the event itself really wasn’t a big deal, but it became a singular thing to me when I did a little math and realized that between the six of us we have thirty seven children.  It was fun to watch the surprise on their faces when I said it, and the slow smiles that spread across their faces.  I feel so blessed to know these amazing women who are raising great families and living lives I admire tremendously.  What would we mothers do without each other?

Wednesday night I also had the opportunity to speak briefly at a Relief Society meeting in my local congregation.   It was a great opportunity to gather with more awesome women.  I go to these meetings and see women who have raised their families and take hope in knowing they lived through it.  I see women just starting their families and feel inspired by their energy and enthusiasm.  I see women who have experienced great loss, trials, and broken dreams who have moved on and made the best of life.  It is wonderful to be with them.  To have the opportunity to share some thoughts about the book Daughters in My Kingdom and to share my feelings about my Savior with them was icing on the cake.

Three minutes after speaking I was running to my car to pick up my husband and son and head to a late appointment we’ve been anticipating for weeks.   It was an appointment that was paradoxical in nature:  surprising yet completely expected, an answer and a question at the same time.  My feelings and thoughts since have been so completely split that I’ve opted not to talk about it, write about it or do anything about it until I can settle in my heart exactly what I’m supposed to do.  It’s like we’re standing here, poised to take the first step that is also the millionth step.  I know so much but so little.  I am so willing act yet so unsure of what comes first, determined to do it right and certain I’ll mess up.  It’s an interesting sort of pause.

That night 10:30 p.m. found us at the In-N-Out Burger drive through so my husband and son could eat a second dinner while I talked on the phone to a friend in need.

Thursday brought more driving, practices, games, scrimmages, lessons.  We went to the local caucus meeting for our local precinct, leaving my daughter babysitting for the second night in a row.  The meeting took more than three hours.  At 10:15 p.m. I walked to my car feeling frustrated by the outcome of the meeting and wondering if voicing my opinion in that setting was worth another night away from my children, another day of homework that hadn’t been done, another dinner I didn’t make, another night when I wasn’t there to tuck the little ones in and check the baby’s temperature.  I did my duty.  I’m glad I went.  But we paid a price for it.  At 11:00 p.m. I was at my kitchen table with my five year old son, making a poster about him for his Star of the Week day in kindergarten.

Friday the week took a wonderful turn.  I went to school to spotlight my little man and he completely ate it up.  I rather enjoyed sharing with his class just how much he adds to our family even though he is child #6.  I told them that he loves practical jokes and his teachers’ jaws dropped when they heard he’s filled his big brother’s bed with baby powder a year or two ago.  The other boys in his class looked at him with new admiration in their eyes and I’m really hoping that no one went home to repeat the joke at their house.  My little guy ate it up.  I love him so much.

My parents flew to town on Friday and my sister and her husband came down from Logan that afternoon as well.  We loved having them at our home.  My children love them so much and while I wish we saw them more, it made me sort of glad that my kids understand what a truly special thing grandparents, aunts and uncles are.   My Mom and Dad were great, picking up my daughter from the Jr. High and taking her for a smoothie “on the way home”, driving to watch my son’s lacrosse practice, wandering out to observe our #6 digging in his garden, tickling the youngest three girls until they were positively breathless with delight.  They listened, watched, complimented, helped, smiled, and generally showered us all with love as if they have no problems of their own that they put on hold to come see us (which they do).  Friday night all the adults went to dinner:  my parents, my sister and brother-in-law, my brother with his wife and new baby, and us.  It was a really enjoyable evening.

Saturday morning was the highlight.  My daughter is singing in the choir that will perform during the General Young Women’s Broadcast for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in a week.  She was up at 5 am preparing for the dress rehearsal and on her way to Salt Lake City by 6:30 a.m.   The rest of us headed up a couple of hours later.  We walked through the doors and the sight of the choir took my breath away.  They looked perfect, so beautiful, like a sunrise.  It was the reason my parents came to town, to support this 13 year old girl of ours.   I feel overwhelmed by the generosity of their trip, the magnitude of their gesture of love and support.  Because children under age 8 cannot attend official meetings in this building it was a singular opportunity to take our entire family, including the little ones, and be there together.  Again, my sister and her awesome husband joined us.  We sat there as a group and smiled and listened and felt happy.  The last hour was a filming/recording session and I loved watching it.  This whole choir experience has been such a great experience.  I’ve learned so much.  I am different simply because my daughter gets to do this.

The rest of the day was a happy blur.  Lunch from Chick-fil-A with another ridiculously large pile of sauces in the middle of my kitchen table.  Kids playing with their Uncles’ ipads.  Some of us ran to our last futsal game of the season, where my little one took a nap in Grandma’s arms and my sister-in-law joined us.  Grandma and Grandpa took my five year old on a special shopping trip for his birthday next week.  All the ladies went to a favorite store (where we were all remarkably good) and to a chocolate cafe for dessert, then back home with pizza in hand for dinner.  Games of Acquire in my dining room.  It was just one of those days that oozes with happiness.

Then, as quickly as it began, it is over and all our guests are back at their homes and it’s our big little family again.  Some of them play with legos, others play Acquire in anticipation of being allowed to play with the uncles and Grandpa next time.  Some of them snuggle with me because it’s been a crazy week and they need a little reassurance.  I went with my daughter tonight to the last choir practice before the meeting on Saturday.  I sat next to one of the dearest, best, most exemplary women I know and just felt so, so grateful.  It’s quite an experience to be in a place where you can sit still, without distraction, for 2.5 hours and have gratitude wash over you like waves on the beach.  I am overwhelmed by the goodness of so many parts of our week.  I came home and got down on my knees to thank God for every one of these people who have been a part of my week in small and large ways, to ask for the Lord’s blessings to be upon them.  My heart feels so tender, so aware that the hard work is worth it, every bit of it.  I am grateful to be a mother.  I am also reminded that the free-flowing setting on my tear ducts tonight might be inversely related to the number of hours I’ve had to sleep.

Now, this report has been a travelogue instead of a report on my goals.  I couldn’t help it.  It was too full.  Here’s a quick summary.

My daily habit of scripture study keeps me going.  Period.  I’m working hard to clean the house and feel like it might be getting better.  I’m dreadfully behind on laundry and what’s clean is piled on my bedroom floor.  Oh well.  I wish I’d been better organized so we hadn’t spent money on fast food this week.  Oh well again.  I’m doing a lousy job of exercising.  I’m writing daily in the joy books I started for my children, which is really a blessing to me.

Some weekly goals fell through simply because our lives couldn’t hold them.  I penciled things in today, hoping to fix it this week.  I met my goal to talk regularly with friends in an abundant way, also meeting my monthly goal to make time for getting together with someone at least once a month.  I managed a few minutes of sewing.  I held my two little girls A. LOT.  I tried a new recipe that most of us liked.  I reminded myself daily of a woman who inspires me to live happily.  Thinking of her made me smile and live with more energy.

More than anything else, this was a joyful week.  It was a joyful week that required a lot of me, but which also broke my heart enough to let the good things really pour in.  I am amazed at the hours I spent basking in the joys of family, friends, and most of all, in the miraculous love that God has for us.  That love is joy.

I wish that kind of joy for you this week.
Jennifer

Wow, anybody know where January went?  What a blur!  I know it’s not actually over yet, and to be honest I’m counting on the last two days for the chance to wrap up a couple of things on my January to-do list, but for most purposes it’s basically gone.  I watch it go with mixed feelings.  It’s been quite a month.

Our family has been under a lot of stress this month, stress I haven’t discussed here.  I feel like we’ve weathered it really well, but I’m also aware that we weren’t required to weather it for as long as we might have, which helps a lot.  It was a month of losses and new beginnings, and now I’m facing a February of adjustments.  Adjustments that are inevitable, but which a part of me is not looking forward to me at all.  I’ve learned over the years that rarely do I receive an answer to prayer that doesn’t increase my workload.  I am SO grateful for our answered prayers this month but also confess to feeling daunted by the increased workload, by the continuous need to do more with less.  As I’ve struggled with this feeling I’ve felt a growing determination to find ways to make what feels like a step backwards become, in reality, a step forwards.   Easier said than done, but a worthy goal.

I was at the grocery store at 6:30 am on Friday for a random 8 oz. water bottle for a kindergarten project (?!?) and as I walked out of the store into the darkness it scared me that I felt so overwhelmed by a day that I had barely begun.  I took a deep breath in the cold morning air and a thought popped into my mind.  “Believe in yourself.  Your Heavenly Father believes in you.  He believes you can handle this day.”  So I did.  I changed my thinking and made it through the day – a particularly crazy day.  Later that night when I was driving my eleven year-old son to a campout 15 minutes late I started worrying about what they would think of our tardy arrival, feeling like I was falling short again.  But I caught myself, reviewed all the things I had been dealing with in the 6 hours prior to the campout that no one knew about, and said to myself “It doesn’t matter what what they may think.  They don’t know what the day has been like or how difficult it was to add this to the list.  If they knew you’d get rock star bonus points.  Let it go.”  And I did.

Another lesson came yesterday afternoon as I was driving my son home from another grueling conditioning practice for the high school lacrosse team.  He was talking about how many of the guys were throwing up and how hard it was and how the coaches were telling them not to question but just to do it and get through it.  It reminded me of some good advice I heard from D. Todd Christofferson:  “don’t look ahead to the pain.”  We talked about how it applied to his practice, but later when I caught myself worrying about everything I needed to do that night, and how things were falling apart around the house because I’d been gone so much, and how it wasn’t going to get any better in the next week because I’d be gone as much then too, worrying about some financial questions that are outside of my control, worrying about the length of my husband’s new commute to and from work, worrying, worrying, worrying, I suddenly realized that I was “looking ahead to the pain.”  The realization brought me up short and I really worked to put on the brakes.  The worries are still sneaking around, but I’m holding the door shut with my two lessons:  Believe in yourself.  Don’t look ahead to the pain.

Enough of that.  Now for the review.  Things stand pretty much where they did last week, with my strong areas still improving and with the things I haven’t really worked on yet still waiting.  That’s ok on a crazy week, right?   My weekly list continues to be my weakest point.  The daily list and monthly list have been pretty well handled.  In fact, as I look at my specific January list I realize I’ve never crossed so many things off a monthly to-do list before.  I’ve been productive, albeit in ten minute segments, but it’s good for me to see that ten minutes adds up.  I’m trying to enjoy the process.  I also realize that I used more wisdom in making the list in the first place.  Good for me.  Another thing I’m liking is having my lists for the entire year already waiting in my notebook, so when I remember something I can just add it to the right month, like a birthday party I want to give, and so forth.  I hope that at the end of the year I will have accomplished the things I care most about.  As for the weekly list, I’m giving myself the rest of today to brainstorm a plan for catching these items before it’s Saturday night again.

Some specifics.  I do my scripture study and reading immediately after getting everyone to school.  It’s the best, most important part of my day.  I am noticing that I could use a little more time for prayer without the little ones running around me.  I’m going to work on that.

I finished reading The Happiness Project this week.  I really enjoyed it and have a short list of things to remember and use as part of my plan to seek and find joy in 2012.  I’m glad I read it in January even though it wasn’t my original plan.  I’m also glad I’ve paused the 7 Habits while I work on some habits as a mother before I give myself more to do.  I’m taking notes in that book, as well.  I now have two more books to read in the next couple of days before they’re due at the library.  We’ll see if I make it, especially with a dirty house.  This makes two books finished in January, one from each of my lists, which puts me right on track for the year.

I feel ok about my efforts around the house.   I’m trying to take a step back and re-evaluate how I want things to run, to look and how to feel about it.   I need to redefine how the state of my house relates to my feelings about myself.  I’m trying to simplify what we’re doing, and I realize that’s a process.

In small pieces I’ve worked on some projects this week.  Really small pieces of time, really small progress, but it’s still better than not starting because I don’t have a lot of time.  I’m getting better at using ten and fifteen minute blocks.

I did a better job of meal planning and efficient grocery shopping this week and had a smile on my face when I left the store with as much as I did for as little as I spent.  That feels good.

I tried to find joy in small moments with my children.  Joy in the snowman my son made, joy in tickling them, joy in watching the little girls choose new coloring books at the dollar store, joy in taking my oldest son to get his favorite french fries after an intense few hours of appointments together, joy in driving them places and having those few minutes with them in the car, joy in wrapping my daughter’s ankles for futsal, joy in seeing my daughter waiting on the sidewalk to be picked up after school, joy in watching them do what they’re told, patience when they don’t, and a smile in my heart when they’re being irrational.  And oh, how my heart has filled with joy at the monstrous hugs from my youngest son (the other night he was giving me another big hug when he asked his older brother “Why don’t you give Mom big hugs too?  SO cute) and the darling comments from my two little girls.   My two year old cleared the table after dinner one night – all by herself – and I felt both joy and awe and urgency as I watched.  But I let her do it and she BEAMED.

Let’s be honest, though.  Pausing to enjoy a lot of moments has a price tag.  I get less done.  But I am happier.  It’s a great investment.

I emailed an acquaintance this week and asked for recommendations with a gardening question.  Her response was so warm and positive, making me glad I’d found the courage to ask for advice.  Certain seed catalogs will soon be arriving at my house and I’m excited for them to come.  I know I’m behind the schedule of “serious” gardeners but it’s great progress for me.  So I’ve started on my gardening goals for the year.  Yay!

So, as I wrap up January I’ve got some “goals housekeeping” to do.  I need to build the weekly tasks into my life more solidly.  I need to work more on the specific JOY goals I set.  I also need to spend some time in the record keeping area.  This was an area I’d reserved largely for Sunday but our Sundays haven’t been anything like what I planned.  All these things need some attention so I can tweak things accordingly as we welcome February.  I need to stay mentally tough and positive even when I’m busy and don’t have time to really nourish my heart, which means I need to develop some quick, on-the-fly strategies I can remember on the run.  But in all, it’s been a great month and I have every reason to expect the next month to be even better.

I read a great quote this week that impressed me.  It reads, “Happiness is neither virtue nor pleasure nor this thing nor that, but simply growth.  We are happy when we are growing.”  -William Butler Yeats I think that’s why I feel good.  I’m growing.  I’m nowhere near where I’d like to be.  In fact, I’m just beginning.  But because I’ve been more specific in my goals for 2012 and am evaluating myself daily, weekly and monthly, I can see that I’m growing.  And so I feel happy, and happiness feels good.

Have a great week!

Jennifer