Category: JOY in 2012

Happy Mother’s Day!

I just finished reading a letter one of my daughters wrote me for Mother’s day, and I laughed so hard I had to wipe tears from my face as I finished.  I laughed for joy because what she wrote was so sweet, and also because some of it was so funny.  There’s nothing like reading a letter from one of your children that is unedited and which is just oozing with personality.  It’s been a great day, full of all kinds of life.  My youngest two were highly emotional today, the kids were nice as often as they argued with each other.  My sweet husband worked hard all day to make things go smoothly.  We ended up having guests for dinner tonight, and it was fun to watch my oldest daughter step up as Dad’s main assistant in the kitchen and help get all the food prepared.  It was fun to have the LDS missionaries here to eat with us, fun to watch the children work together, fun to be a family.

I feel like I experienced much of the spectrum of motherhood this week. I made mistakes, raised my voice, felt discouraged and frustrated.  I also laughed, praised and felt full of love.  I forgot a couple of things, but I was there for my youngest boy’s Kindergarten program, there to see the smile on his face and to watch him perform.  The week wasn’t pretty but it certainly worked out and I learned great things from it.

Yesterday we worked hard to clean the house and do more laundry.  It feels good tonight to be going to bed in a house that looks more like the one I love.  I haven’t had enough sleep and there is still much to do, but I feel more calm and happy today, more like I can handle what’s ahead.  Now, I might not feel that way tomorrow, but for tonight I feel up to the task.

There are so many women I love and admire whose faces have been in my mind throughout the week, women who have blessed my life tremendously.  I wish I’d been able to send them all a little token of my love.  I wanted to, planned to, and then life happened.  Early in the week I stood in line at a store, and the lady next to me in line picked up a nearby book full of gourmet homemade popsicle recipes.  It looked cute and tasty so I asked her what she thought.  She was honest, saying that it looked great, but wondered when she would ever find the time to actually make gourmet popsicles.  I agreed, saying, “There’s so much life going on at my house that I probably wouldn’t get to it until there’s no one around to eat them.”  We laughed and she said, “And isn’t that a wonderful thing, to have a home so full of life?”  True, true.

So today I’m grateful that my life and home is so full of life that almost everything else seems neglected.  I am so grateful to be  a mother. I am so grateful for the example of my own mother who has always chosen to put people first.  I am grateful for the life that is mine.  It’s a wonderful one.

Have a great week!

Jennifer

Every once in a while I get an urge to read one of Jane Austen’s classics so I recently enjoyed reading Pride and Prejudice — my favorite — once again.  This time through I was struck particularly by Darcy’s admission to Elizabeth at the end of the book that he had been taught correct principles but had still gone amiss in his application of some of them as the years passed.  Elizabeth’s refusal of his hand at first angered him but soon he allowed a sincere self-evaluation and came to cherish her all the more for making him know himself, for demanding of him the gentleman he had intended to be, and when he saw clearly again he went about the task of improving, of changing, of earnestly becoming the man he knew he should be.

I felt a kinship to Darcy as I finished the book this time, not because my life parallels his in any particulars, but because that experience of waking up to comprehend the distance between what you are and what you thought you were has been mine of late.  I have wondered to myself more than once how someone so good-intentioned and with such efforts to be principled, could still end up here .  You may remember this post about a stack of literature I am reading.  The books are about a specific challenge we are dealing with as parents, and what I am reading makes so much sense and yet simultaneously goes against enough common parenting practices as to make me feel like I’m on the right track and need to turn everything I’m doing upside down at the same time.  There have been days and moments of frustration but in my learning, repenting and practicing I also have a growing feeling of gratitude for this opportunity to truly know myself and choose to become the mother I intended to be.  Because we usually compare the inside of our lives to the outside of other families,  I don’t know that this process is something most people would ever notice, but because I’m the one who lives inside my life it feels like fundamentals are being shifted and realigned in major ways.   One of my great weaknesses is a tendency to become impatient with slow growth, and this kind of growth is definitely slow.

I realize all of this is ambiguous.  No need to worry; all is well.  I choose to be vague instead of specific because I also feel a responsibility to be loyal to my children and refrain from advertising their challenges or weaknesses in ways that would be, to them, a breach of trust.   I share it only because I think many of us have had that experience of waking up to our shortcomings as we gain knowledge and because it is the strongest ongoing theme in my life right now, next to the deafening roar of a schedule gone crazy during this last month of school.

Last week can be easily summed up in a few short sentences:  Too much time in the car.  Too many meals prepared in a hurry.  Too many late bedtimes.  Too much unfolded laundry.  More children fighting colds.  Too many days spent responding to the urgent issues of the day instead of systematically working on things of greater long-term importance.

I confess that all day today I’ve been fighting the temptation to indulge in self-pity and frustration and so I will refrain from typing too much in order to avoid it.  Yesterday I was driving my daughter to her soccer game when I discovered the home of a friend who had moved.  I had lost track of her and knew only that she’d moved.  Imagine my delight to drive by her home and see her standing on her driveway!  I went back and we visited and I had a smile on my face for the rest of the day.  Yesterday at church I had a conversation with a lady that went so well that I felt that same smile on my lips.  I was able to help a friend and this week stopped at the door of several great women I haven’t visited with in a while.  Sometimes those doorstep conversations, designed to say “I was thinking about you” are the highlight of the day.  I want to do it more.

I dealt with some stains on my six year old’s school shirts that I just hadn’t taken care of.  That felt good.  I cleaned the laundry room.  I almost cried when the rest of the bills for my son’s recent ankle surgery arrived but was saved by the face of my two year old peering up at me to ask if I was sad.  She then climbed up and entertained me with nonstop chatter for 30 minutes, becoming increasingly animated in her mannerisms.  Oh, I love that girl.  And it’s a good thing, too, because she racked up quite a tab this week in broken things.  She is a class all her own!

I cannot tell you how far short I am falling.  I can tell you how earnestly I am trying.
And that will have to do, because there certainly aren’t two of me!

Good luck with your week.  If you’re like me, you need a lot of it!

Jennifer

Oh my!  I can hardly believe the last day of April is staring me in the face.  The weeks continue to race by, gaining speed and leaving me breathless.  I look at the past 4-5 weeks and see so many obstacles that arose but which were small enough to be hurdled with help from the Lord, and for that I am incredibly grateful.  We have been stretched, our resources taxed, but the Lord has blessed us abundantly.  Life is good.

The week was another unusual one.  Monday’s ankle surgery threw everything off but we got through it and in good spirits.  This experience has been so good for me.   This little taste of crutches, wheelchairs, 24/7 immobility and so forth has made me marvel more than once at parents who do this every day for years.  It’s been a big deal to me because it’s new and it’s current, but it’s also temporary and I’m aware of that.  Every time I stand at the back of our vehicle to lift that wheelchair I think of parents whose daily life includes this indefinitely and my heart sings with praise for them and with gratitude to God who has given this to me for now and not for years.

We had soccer games in Layton and in Heber.  We had a huge report at school to take care of, which left me with mixed feelings.  I should have done so much more to help him with it but everything has been off balance for the past couple of weeks.  We got it done, but not well enough.  I walked into the school that day feeling heavy about it.  His display could have been so much better if only the timing was different!  But “if only’s” don’t mean much, and we all know that.  In spite of my feelings I squared my shoulders and reminded myself that at least I was there for the presentations, something not every parent does.  It’s wasn’t what I wanted, or what I feel it should have been, but it was good enough.  I got out my camera and took some pictures and that was that.  Last night my husband and I went to dinner with some friends we haven’t seen in a long time.  It was nice to visit with them, and we came home with bigger smiles on our faces.

In all that we have going on, I feel like I’m growing.  I’m getting better at taking things in stride and finding something to smile about.  We keep trying to find the funny in things, to laugh more as a family.  I’m working on gathering my children into my arms more often, no matter their age, to hug them.  I’m giving more compliments to them and consciously trying to look them in the eyes when we’re talking.  I am finding more pleasure in the sound of sprinklers outside my window or the breeze tickling new leaves on trees.  I am getting better at choosing joy.  And so, although we had some obstacles that made life complicated this week, it was a great week, a happy week.

As far as my resolutions go, I gained some ground around the house this week because I canceled everything we could live without in order to be home with my son.  This meant some extra laundry got done (not all of it folded, though… got to fix that!), the kitchen has stayed extra clean because I’m emptying the dishwashers so quickly, and several areas were reorganized and cleaned out.  I am also working actively to help my children stay on top of their responsibilities around the house in spite of the crazy spring schedules, something I’ve usually thrown to the wind in Aprils past.

In most of my flowerbeds I’m caught up on the weeding, although in others I’ve got little jungles to deal with.  I planted a bunch of seeds this week (late, I know, but I’m going to try anyway) to meet my goal of starting most of our garden from seed this year.  We had a lot of plans for the gardens and future garden areas over spring break that were postponed due to the broken ankle.  We’ll have to see when time and money allow for them to be tackled, so some of my garden plans may be altered.   I planted some Bells of Ireland seeds, which was a specific item on my gardening goals list for 2012.  I am also thrilled to see that almost everything I planted last year appears to be growing back with vigor.  There are only three plants that don’t seem to be making it, and I’m pleased with how things are looking.  There is one area of the yard that I look at and think, “I did this!” and it makes my heart skip a beat.  It also gives me motivation to keep working at the areas that are dismally far from how I envision them.

My sewing goals are coming along.  I’m a little behind on them, but really it’s amazing that I’m finding 10 minutes here and there as often as I am.  It’s such a great outlet for me and I’m grateful to be learning a lot of new things this year.  Most of the quilts I’ve begun are baby gifts, also a good thing.   I need to get more of these done BEFORE the baby arrives, not a month or more after the birth.

My goals for exercise have been largely deferred to life’s hectic schedule.  I know I’ll be able to fix it easily when school is out but would like to tackle it sooner.  May is going to require careful planning but I’m hoping to at least be out walking most days.   The house is pretty much the same.   Getting better but needs work.

The goals that haunt me most are the goals about who I’m becoming, how I’m managing my roles as wife and mother, how I’m doing with teaching my children.  In this area I am really trying.  It takes time to build new habits but I won’t give up.  I’ll share more about what I’m learning soon.  This area is related to that big stack of “homework” I have for myself.

It hasn’t been an easy year so far.  In fact, many things about this year make laugh when I consider that I picked Joy as the thing to work on.  It seemed ironic that life got a whole lot harder as soon as I declared myself, but I suppose that’s part of life.  In some ways this roller coaster few months has made my goal even more important than I thought it was.  You have to find things to be happy about.  Period.

So tonight I am happy about a bunch of things.  I’m happy that the kitchen is clean, that there’s a gentle breeze blowing through my window, that everyone has their uniform for tomorrow ready to go, that we got to wish my Dad and Mother-in-law Happy Birthdays today, that we had a lot of funny little things to laugh at.  I’m happy I get to sleep in my own bed tonight, happy that I can walk on both my feet, happy that I have so many people to hug and love.  Most of all, I’m happy that I have a Savior who gives meaning to all things in my life.  I am so blessed!

Have a great week!
Jennifer