Category: Yearly Goals

It’s almost completely dark outside and the children have turned off all the lights except for two lamps.  Six of them are gathered around their Dad on the couch watching videos of tornadoes after asking some questions about them.  My little one is curled up next to me, laying her head on her shoulder and whispering things to herself while I type.  Dogs bark outside and the cool air wafts through open windows.  It’s a happy, cozy night.

We watched the solar eclipse tonight.  Clouds masked it from view for a while but we got some good looks at it, which was exciting.  It was fun to be outside with so many neighbors, all set with their various tools for watching.  My 11 year old’s scout leader gave him some glasses for viewing the eclipse which turned out to be by far the most effective tool.  He was generous and shared them with all of us as well as letting 2 or 3 other families take turns.  I’m grateful someone keeps track of these things (I don’t!) so we can see such things.

We had a good week, but not enough was accomplished.  We finished up two soccer seasons and now have tryouts to deal with.  I’m more than a little worried about what needs to be done this week.  So much on the calendar, so many things to wrap up at school, recitals, and so forth.  We’re so close to being done, but the excitement won’t hit until we’re through these woods.  Some things I’m already counting:  only 39 more lunches to pack and then I’ll be down to just packing a lunch for my husband.  THAT will be nice!  Only 8 days left of school.  I have so much to do in that time!

Tonight I feel very humble.  The migraine has continued and I find myself worn down by the pain, a bit on the emotional side, and very tender hearted.  I’m so grateful for the days when I feel good and am anxious for one of those days to hit.  I am grateful for good friends and for the patience of my family during these past few days.  I am so blessed.

The many goals I have are on the back burner while we survive this month.  I’m excited to slow down, re-evaluate, and get back on course.

The whispering of my two year old has given way to the steady breathing of sleep.  Across the room on the couch, bodies have curled up and sunk into more relaxed positions and the four year old is sound asleep in the middle of the pile.  Night is upon us and we’re going to get some extra sleep before facing life tomorrow.

Good luck to all of us!

Jennifer

Happy Mother’s Day!

I just finished reading a letter one of my daughters wrote me for Mother’s day, and I laughed so hard I had to wipe tears from my face as I finished.  I laughed for joy because what she wrote was so sweet, and also because some of it was so funny.  There’s nothing like reading a letter from one of your children that is unedited and which is just oozing with personality.  It’s been a great day, full of all kinds of life.  My youngest two were highly emotional today, the kids were nice as often as they argued with each other.  My sweet husband worked hard all day to make things go smoothly.  We ended up having guests for dinner tonight, and it was fun to watch my oldest daughter step up as Dad’s main assistant in the kitchen and help get all the food prepared.  It was fun to have the LDS missionaries here to eat with us, fun to watch the children work together, fun to be a family.

I feel like I experienced much of the spectrum of motherhood this week. I made mistakes, raised my voice, felt discouraged and frustrated.  I also laughed, praised and felt full of love.  I forgot a couple of things, but I was there for my youngest boy’s Kindergarten program, there to see the smile on his face and to watch him perform.  The week wasn’t pretty but it certainly worked out and I learned great things from it.

Yesterday we worked hard to clean the house and do more laundry.  It feels good tonight to be going to bed in a house that looks more like the one I love.  I haven’t had enough sleep and there is still much to do, but I feel more calm and happy today, more like I can handle what’s ahead.  Now, I might not feel that way tomorrow, but for tonight I feel up to the task.

There are so many women I love and admire whose faces have been in my mind throughout the week, women who have blessed my life tremendously.  I wish I’d been able to send them all a little token of my love.  I wanted to, planned to, and then life happened.  Early in the week I stood in line at a store, and the lady next to me in line picked up a nearby book full of gourmet homemade popsicle recipes.  It looked cute and tasty so I asked her what she thought.  She was honest, saying that it looked great, but wondered when she would ever find the time to actually make gourmet popsicles.  I agreed, saying, “There’s so much life going on at my house that I probably wouldn’t get to it until there’s no one around to eat them.”  We laughed and she said, “And isn’t that a wonderful thing, to have a home so full of life?”  True, true.

So today I’m grateful that my life and home is so full of life that almost everything else seems neglected.  I am so grateful to be  a mother. I am so grateful for the example of my own mother who has always chosen to put people first.  I am grateful for the life that is mine.  It’s a wonderful one.

Have a great week!

Jennifer

Every once in a while I get an urge to read one of Jane Austen’s classics so I recently enjoyed reading Pride and Prejudice — my favorite — once again.  This time through I was struck particularly by Darcy’s admission to Elizabeth at the end of the book that he had been taught correct principles but had still gone amiss in his application of some of them as the years passed.  Elizabeth’s refusal of his hand at first angered him but soon he allowed a sincere self-evaluation and came to cherish her all the more for making him know himself, for demanding of him the gentleman he had intended to be, and when he saw clearly again he went about the task of improving, of changing, of earnestly becoming the man he knew he should be.

I felt a kinship to Darcy as I finished the book this time, not because my life parallels his in any particulars, but because that experience of waking up to comprehend the distance between what you are and what you thought you were has been mine of late.  I have wondered to myself more than once how someone so good-intentioned and with such efforts to be principled, could still end up here .  You may remember this post about a stack of literature I am reading.  The books are about a specific challenge we are dealing with as parents, and what I am reading makes so much sense and yet simultaneously goes against enough common parenting practices as to make me feel like I’m on the right track and need to turn everything I’m doing upside down at the same time.  There have been days and moments of frustration but in my learning, repenting and practicing I also have a growing feeling of gratitude for this opportunity to truly know myself and choose to become the mother I intended to be.  Because we usually compare the inside of our lives to the outside of other families,  I don’t know that this process is something most people would ever notice, but because I’m the one who lives inside my life it feels like fundamentals are being shifted and realigned in major ways.   One of my great weaknesses is a tendency to become impatient with slow growth, and this kind of growth is definitely slow.

I realize all of this is ambiguous.  No need to worry; all is well.  I choose to be vague instead of specific because I also feel a responsibility to be loyal to my children and refrain from advertising their challenges or weaknesses in ways that would be, to them, a breach of trust.   I share it only because I think many of us have had that experience of waking up to our shortcomings as we gain knowledge and because it is the strongest ongoing theme in my life right now, next to the deafening roar of a schedule gone crazy during this last month of school.

Last week can be easily summed up in a few short sentences:  Too much time in the car.  Too many meals prepared in a hurry.  Too many late bedtimes.  Too much unfolded laundry.  More children fighting colds.  Too many days spent responding to the urgent issues of the day instead of systematically working on things of greater long-term importance.

I confess that all day today I’ve been fighting the temptation to indulge in self-pity and frustration and so I will refrain from typing too much in order to avoid it.  Yesterday I was driving my daughter to her soccer game when I discovered the home of a friend who had moved.  I had lost track of her and knew only that she’d moved.  Imagine my delight to drive by her home and see her standing on her driveway!  I went back and we visited and I had a smile on my face for the rest of the day.  Yesterday at church I had a conversation with a lady that went so well that I felt that same smile on my lips.  I was able to help a friend and this week stopped at the door of several great women I haven’t visited with in a while.  Sometimes those doorstep conversations, designed to say “I was thinking about you” are the highlight of the day.  I want to do it more.

I dealt with some stains on my six year old’s school shirts that I just hadn’t taken care of.  That felt good.  I cleaned the laundry room.  I almost cried when the rest of the bills for my son’s recent ankle surgery arrived but was saved by the face of my two year old peering up at me to ask if I was sad.  She then climbed up and entertained me with nonstop chatter for 30 minutes, becoming increasingly animated in her mannerisms.  Oh, I love that girl.  And it’s a good thing, too, because she racked up quite a tab this week in broken things.  She is a class all her own!

I cannot tell you how far short I am falling.  I can tell you how earnestly I am trying.
And that will have to do, because there certainly aren’t two of me!

Good luck with your week.  If you’re like me, you need a lot of it!

Jennifer