Category: Yearly Goals

It’s been a week in the trenches.  Sorely behind on laundry, discouraged by clutter and  distracted by some emotionally charged issues we’ve been dealing with, the week ran away with me.   A couple of busy days killed all creative thought and then my little break from blogging became a sincere effort to see if sacrificing the time I spend on it would translate to more productivity, a cleaner house, better organization or at least a more focused mother.

Interestingly, nothing really improved.  It turns out that all work and no play made Jane a very dull girl.  I have a tendency to throw myself into cleaning, working through the entire day without food or breaks of any kind, intent on getting everything done.  Then I pick everyone up from school and watch it unravel.  If I do too much of this I sometimes become resentful.  I place too much value on the cleaning, allowing my own success and worth to depend on it, leaving myself in a position where it’s me against reality.  It’s not a good thing.  On the other hand, if I allow myself to spend 20 minutes doing something I enjoy, I’m able to disconnect from the “perfect house = I’m ok/messy house = I’m a failure” mentality and embrace the reasoning that “I worked hard today and made good progress; I’ll work hard again tomorrow and in the end it will all turn out.”  In addition to this we had a lot of gray days.  I realized that creativity is my self-made sunshine and if it won’t shine outside I mustn’t neglect it inside.

As the week wore on I noticed that my productivity and focus were being negatively affected by some things I’m worried about.  I tend to stew about things, and we’ve had so many mini emergencies as parents in the past six weeks that I feel like I’ve got emotional ADD.  I had a hard time focusing on what was in front of me and instead carried unnecessary worries.  I’ve always known that I’m a serious person which is sometimes a virtue and often a fault.

I had two interesting experiences this week.  On Monday I felt so stressed about things I can’t control that I felt like I was being squeezed physically.  I knelt down and prayed, expressing a desire to cast my burdens at the feet of the Lord.  I asked Him to carry the stress, knowing that the work was still mine to do.  I was willing to work, but couldn’t work properly with the weight I was carrying in my heart.  I got up and went back to work, still worried.  I’d been looking for a babysitter for my three youngest children in order to attend the temple with a friend on Tuesday.  Suddenly I knew who to call.  I made the call, arranged everything and emailed my friend.  The instant it was done my stress evaporated.  My problems didn’t change, but the worry was lifted.  My prayer was answered.  For the rest of the day I lived the reality of Christ’s promise that “my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

The second experience involved a phone call from a friend.  We were giving one another mini reports on the challenges we’ve faced recently as mothers and I shared my observation that I’m stewing too much over things.  She then passed along something her Dad once told her.  He said that his observation had been that the people who are most successful are those who become good at changing gears.  I realized I’ve been stuck in high gear emotionally and it was wearing me down.

Little did I know that within minutes of talking to her another problem would surface involving one of my children.  The 24 hours immediately following required me to make a couple of difficult decisions and have some hard conversations.  Her counsel about changing gears was the answer.  When school was dismissed on Friday our spring break began.  Within a few hours we had family arrive in town for the weekend.  Nothing more can be done about the problem until school resumes.  Once more I prayed for help with surrendering the stress as well as focusing on what was in front of me.

I was able to change gears and we had a wonderful weekend.  My parents were here, along with my sister and her husband, my brother and his boys, and another brother and his family were in town as well.  On Friday night we rented the movie Ramona & Beezus.  We’d wanted to see it for months but hadn’t found time to watch it.  The children enjoyed it, but I laughed harder than I’ve laughed in a long, long time.  It was therapeutic.  It wasn’t until I was laughing uncontrollably that I realized how wound up I’d been.  The emotional release was so healthy.

Saturday morning 19 of us went to the BYU Art Museum to see the Karl Bloch exhibit.   I could have stayed for hours, just sitting in front of several paintings.  My appreciation for Jesus Christ has grown in recent weeks, leaving many tender places in my heart.  The exhibit was food for my soul and I am anxious to return again before the exhibit closes in early May.

Saturday night we took my parents and our two oldest daughters to the BYU Ballroom Dance performance.  My husband and I go together every year and I was particularly happy to have my parents come.  It did not disappoint.  The colors, music, lights, costumes, choreography and execution were inspiring.   Some of the performances moved me to tears; others made me want to dance along with them.  ALL of them made me yearn for excellence in my personal life.  As I watched the dancers I found myself making observations about life, movement, precision and balance.    It happens to me every year.  Heavenly Father always teaches me beautiful things during the show.

We’ve had late nights talking with loved ones, children thundering through the house with cousins, good-byes said.  Today we had a wonderful visit with my brother, his wife and baby, and another brother who came for lunch.  We went on a walk to see the lambs in a nearby pasture.  We played a game of keep away with a bean bag in the back yard.  We talked about both trivial and weighty matters.  We were together.

Tonight I am grateful for many things.  I’m grateful for my baby girl who had a minor but very painful health challenge this week.  I’m grateful for an unforgettable evening with my six year old daughter spent reading her new favorite (and my old favorite) book, Miss Rumphius.  I’m grateful for my supportive husband.  I’m grateful for my parents who listen to everything that goes on in my life.  I’m grateful for ancestors, particularly those who have gone just a few generations before me.  This weekend I got to hold in my hands and read a letter written to my Grandfather by his brother in the early 1930’s.  The brotherly love that was expressed touched my heart.  I’m grateful for people I’ve never met whose commitment to excellence bless my life.  I’m grateful for art.  I’m grateful for music.  I’m grateful for my brothers and sisters and their families; all of them make me want to be better.

Most of all, I’m grateful for my Savior.  I’m grateful for answered prayers.  And I’m grateful beyond words for two dear friends through whom the Lord met my needs.  The first, who took me to the temple, and the second who shared timely wisdom with me.  If I hadn’t recognized the need to change gears I might have missed all the emotional benefits of our weekend activities.

I’m headed into our week determined to downshift.   I’m also going to live a balanced week.  We’ll keep things neat and tidy, but I’m going to give myself a break along with the children.   I’m going to work on some personal goals.  And yes, I’m going to keep blogging.  We’re praying for some sun (so far it’s been more like Christmas break with all the snow) but if it doesn’t shine we’ll make our own.

Have a great week!

Jennifer

I have such mixed feelings tonight.  Soccer season is now in full swing at our house, increasing time in the car and at parks all over the place and restricting time at home to keep things running.  I feel a sense of disappointment in myself for not having the house fully under control by now, but nothing can be done about it except to keep trying.

March was a rugged month.   I’ve had all ten of us at the dentist for cleanings and exams, sealants and fillings.  The time spent at the dentist in addition to time spent driving to and from schools to check children out and back in have all cut significantly into my usual housekeeping and laundry routines.  Who knew that my own dentist appointment would kill all productivity for five days before the antibiotics finally made a difference?  It’s been a month spent adjusting to new work arrangements for my husband and the stress that comes with every learning curve presented by a new job.  We’ve had unexpected expenses, children in emotional meltdown, and dozens of unforeseen mini-emergencies with several of our children.  I keep telling myself that there’s a reason I lost ground instead of gaining ground.  Just as March is the month when you can see weather for all four seasons of the year in a single day, our lives have felt all over the place as well.

The experiences we had in March reinforced the importance of my goals; indeed, I feel increasingly urgent about them.  The reality of March was that I had to be a mother, and part of being a mother is doing what needs to be done right now.  We had a lot of “right now” needs.

And so part of me thinks that it makes sense, that it’s ok.  Another part of me wonders if I’m just making excuses.  Part of me feels so sad that it’s April and I have nothing substantial to show for my efforts.  And part of me says to press on, give it more time, keep working and look back later for signs of growth.  I’m trying to silence the first three thoughts and give full reign to the last.  It is, after all, the only productive thing to do.

In all of this, I also look at the month and realize that I’ve learned some really valuable lessons.  My heart has been tested.  My hopes and dreams have been refined a little bit by the difficulties we’ve faced.  I am more grateful for simple things.  I have more appreciation for how hard my children are trying to be good, for how hard some of their challenges are for them.  I have more appreciation for answers to prayer, even to those prayers spoken as I open my mouth in response to a child’s distress, thinking “I have no idea what to say right now, please put the right words in my mouth.”  The words have come.  Tears have come as well, lots of them.  I feel more humble, more dependent on God.    My faith and confidence in Him has grown.  I can see His hand in my life, and even in the things I really don’t want to deal with.  I’ve learned lessons about preparing our children to have experiences with Christ’s atonement as they negotiate their relationships with friends and peers.  I have learned more about how essential it is that we never withhold compliments and praise from teenagers.  I’ve learned how desperately they sometimes need to hear a positive word, any positive word, from any adult they have contact with.  I’ve been a mother on her knees asking God to please bless someone, anyone, to notice something good about my child and say it to them.  And I’ve wept with gratitude when that prayer was answered.  I wonder how many other mothers have prayed for this same blessing, and resolve to become someone who can be trusted to compliment people freely.

As much as we’ve been stretched, I’m aware we’re immeasurably blessed.  I know people who have been dealt terrible blows in the past month.  I have wept for them and felt sobered by the relative ease of my circumstances.  This week brought a number of opportunities to serve others.  It feels good to have done it.  I got to spend more time talking with a good friend.  We had sunshine for 3 1/2 days this week, more than we’ve had in a while (never mind the fact that it snowed last night and then went from winter to spring three or four times throughout the day today).  I did a better job of preparing our meals early in the day.  In fact, I did a better job all around in the kitchen.

March is over; April begun.  Another week awaits my best efforts.  As a family we got to watch General Conference which never fails to inspire and direct.  Life is good.  I am grateful for all I’ve learned and anxious to learn more.  Like everyone else, we have some things in life I have no solution for, and I wonder how they can possibly work out.  But it will.  It always does.  I hope that whatever I need to learn this week can be learned without so much disruption to the maintenance of home and family.  But whatever comes, we will trust the Lord.  As my husband said to me last night, “He has a plan.  Let’s let Him work it.”

Have a great week.
Jennifer

Another week is gone and although I could come up with a half dozen little things to say about this area or that, there is really just one thing that stands out to me.

Last year’s One Step goal was motivated by a burning desire to find my stride, to figure out how to be a good mother for 8 young children.  This year’s focus on habits is a continuation of that goal.   As I said in this post , my heart wants to fly, to soar like an eagle.  I want so much to reach new heights and find great joy in what I’m doing.  I want to feel like I can handle the day to day demands of my particular circumstances.

On Friday night I took twelve children to the BYU v. Utah women’s gymnastics meet.

By myself.

Yes, just me and twelve children.

I let my oldest four invite a friend.  Kids started coming around 4:30. They played, I fed everyone dinner, piled them into the Space Shuttle, and off we went.

My husband wondered if I would end up calling him because I’d lost one.

We went anyway.

And guess what?

It turned out wonderfully.  I thoroughly enjoyed the experience.  The children were great and had a lot of fun taking trips to the concessions stand and to the uppermost bleachers while I camped out with the little ones, providing a sort of “headquarters” where everyone could check in and sit to watch the meet.  I felt calm and relaxed.  I enjoyed watching the meet.  I enjoyed sitting with my youngest three, entertaining and holding them.

When the meet was over I ran into some friends.  We said hello and as we talked I told them, “I’m here alone with twelve children, and right now I can only find seven of them.  What do you think of that?”  They laughed as if I was crazy, which I am.

It worked out.  I felt directed to head to a different area of the Marriott Center and there they all were.  We enjoyed a pleasant walk in the cool evening air on our way back to the van, then headed home.  By the time I delivered all the friends to their homes and got my own crowd home and in bed it was well after 11 pm.  A long night, to be sure.  But a great night.

Why is this the most relevant experience of my week?  Because it means I’m growing.  It means that my abilities are being magnified.    It’s happening at a time when my oldest two really need me to loosen up and do more of this.  Just a few weeks ago I would not have considered an outing like that, especially without another adult.  The mere thought would have brought stress.  I haven’t yet learned to enjoy having all eight of my children in public places, especially loud places with large groups of people.  It’s not that they’re bad; I just stress about their behavior and about possibly losing one.  I also find the noise and chaos to be terribly overstimulating.   Twelve children?  That would have been out of the question.

But I did it.  I enjoyed it.  I would do it again.  Did I have the Lord’s help?  Absolutely.  I need His help every day.

And so my heart has been rejoicing in the knowledge that slowly but surely I’m getting better at this.  My house is still messy.  I’m still behind on laundry.  But I’m handling it better.  I feel less overwhelmed by it and more grateful for the privilege of doing it.

I know it’s nothing magical.   I didn’t suddenly gain new abilities.  I’m aware that in ten minutes I might feel maxed out by just one of them (like last night when my three year old threw the tantrum of the year while in the bathtub – it was NOT pretty).  Still, for one evening I was equal to the task.  Not just equal to surviving the task, but capable of making the experience a lot of fun for everyone.  It’s like catching a glimpse of the clearing through the trees.  I’m grateful beyond words for the feeling that I just might get the hang of this one day.

I think I’m growing up.

And I love the looks of that clearing!

Gratefully, Jennifer