Tag: goals

Wow.  School ended and summer has whisked me away.  I wish we’d been taken to a summer beach house but we’re right here at home trying to find our way to a steady work/play balance.  Every day has taken all of me, all the time, and I fall into bed at night mostly asleep.  It’s crazy and exhausting but I love it.  It’s  my chance to have my kids all to myself, to work on our own agenda and goals.  Oh, that summer lasted longer!

I feel bad about my absence here because there is so much we’ve already experienced and so many moments when I wanted to record my feelings, but they all came in the midst of the chaos and when moments of pause finally arrived the symphony of thought and feeling had subsided to a mere hum of exhaustion, and so I’ve shared nothing.  I hope to reconstruct a few themes in coming days.

Today is Father’s Day.  It’s been a good one, but a different one.  My husband hurt himself mountain biking on Friday and is now on crutches.  Thank goodness for some great looking x-rays two weeks ago on my son’s ankle so that he is  now walking in his boot, and even taking it off occasionally.  I’m not sure how I would have handled TWO sets of crutches at the same time.  It will be interesting to see how things unfold in doctor’s offices this week as we begin to piece together what kind of injury it really is.  Honestly, I’ll be more surprised if he doesn’t need surgery than if he does.  When your knee is twice it’s normal size and you can’t bend or straighten it something is certainly wrong.   So we tried to make it a pleasant day for him, but he’s in pain, so it won’t go down in history as the best Father’s day ever.  And that’s ok.  I got to talk to my Dad for a few minutes, to thank him for believing in me, for encouraging my creative talents as well as my academic ones, for teaching me to trust in God, and for telling me I was beautiful over and over again.  He’s such a good man and I’m a grateful girl.  I think my best memory of the day was my four oldest children standing shoulder to shoulder in the kitchen working on an assembly line to cook a massive pile of chicken nuggets at the request of my husband.  I loved the way they kept sneaking them, which is precisely why I made so many, because it reminded me of doing the exact same thing in my mom’s kitchen years ago.    My daughter said, “We might need to call Grandma and thank her for such an awesome recipe.”  Isn’t it wonderful how life can change so much and yet be constant?  I find that very comforting.

Last Sunday I didn’t show up because my sister and her family were staying with us.   We have fourteen children between the two of us, with eight of them seven years of age and under.  The total range is 15 years to six months.  It was a very busy few days, full of running and playing and making memories (which of course included staying up WAY too late and getting up early to start it all over again).  It was a happy visit, one I thoroughly enjoyed, and also one which brought some great thoughts and ideas to light as my sister and I sat and talked whenever it was quiet enough for us to do that.  I learned some very interesting things from her and hope to become a better mother because of her.

You see, I’ve come to what is kind of a hilarious conclusion.  A totally useless one, but probably right.  I’m pretty sure that someone else should have been the mother of my children.  So many of my weaknesses have been exposed by the Lord that I’m pretty convinced that I’m completely unqualified to do what I’m doing.  I look at my particular blend of personalities (and we have quite a spectrum) and then I look at my personal tendencies and it’s really quite comical that I am where I am.  I’d love so much to be someone else for them but I only know how to be me.   So here we are and all they have is me.  I feel sorry for them but I’ve decided to quit worrying and stewing so much and get busy being more like the mother they need.  We’ll see how it goes.

We’ve celebrated a couple of birthdays in the last couple of weeks.  Our oldest turned 15 two weeks ago (his birthday celebrations were the start of my unplanned blogging vacation).  He’s off his crutches and easing jumping into life on two feet.  Last weekend we celebrated my husband’s birthday.  He relaxed more that day than I’ve seen him relax in years and it was wonderful to watch.  I’m so lucky I have him.

We’ve had some disappointments as well, things that have happened that leave you stinging a little.   It’s hard to walk away from experiences that make it difficult to esteem people you really want to look up to.  It’s caused us to really focus on what we can control, which is simply to do with our own hearts and feelings what is right and good.  So you move on.

The house is getting better all the time as we work to fine tune the basic summer schedule I’ve put in place.  I’m placing emphasis on work and the children seem to be getting it.

We’ve had some hard days and I’ve felt a little overwhelmed.  I haven’t accomplished enough of my goals for the year.  The Lord seems to be taking some areas of my life in directions I wasn’t looking when I planned things out last December.  But then there are moments… fleeting moments…. when I look around and have the feeling that I’m living a storybook life.  Like when I’m standing in my back yard as the darkness gathers around me and the unmistakeable scent of honeysuckle carries on the breeze.  Moments when the children are all happily playing together.   When I pick a juicy cherry off our tree.  When I lay in bed and listen to the sounds of a quiet house.  When one of the children comes to sit on my lap or do a dance or just connect.  I stand there and look around and am filled with a certain knowledge that THIS is life, that it’s a happy life, that wrapped up in all the work and worry and stress there are these golden threads of fairy tales, and  they’re mine.  And that is joy.

Have a wonderful week!

Jennifer

I hardly know what to say tonight as it seems like the week held so much and yet so little.  With Memorial Day upon us tomorrow I glanced at my list of things I planned to do before now, things like having a great Memorial Day barbeque menu planned and prepped, things I intended to have organized and planned before school is out, baby gifts that should have been finished and delivered long ago, yardwork that hasn’t been touched.  All good things, but none of them essential.  I mentioned to my husband the other day that I feel like I’m running out of time to “figure out my life”, and he was no help at all!  He merely scoffed, “Figure your life out?  Who does that ? Parts of your life, maybe, but nobody has their life figured out.”  So that day-dreamy picture of my life figured out, complete with organization and menus and so forth will continue to live in my dreams while we carry on with real life.  The good thing is that once upon a time I used that day-dreamy picture to judge myself by, while tonight I just shrug my shoulders.  A few hours ago I got to watch my children laugh joyfully as they scampered up and down hills when we visited the cemetery my grandparents are buried at.  As they laughed and played and my sister and brother-in-law joked about all the grass stains that were coming home with us, we all smiled and I told them, “Really, though, look at this.  I’m so lucky!”  And indeed, I am.  I’m busy raising children.  The other stuff will come someday, or not at all.

It was an interesting week, kind of all over the place.  I’m going to just make a list of things that brought joy to my heart this week and we’ll leave it at that.

–  A trip to Farm country with my three youngest kids, complete with a massive tantrum from my two year old when she didn’t get to ride on the BIGGEST horse for her pony ride, a lost wallet, some stress, a found wallet and much relief/gratitude that everything was still in it.  Talk about an answered prayer!

–  A soccer tryout that went well, as in the best possible scenario was what we ended with.  Hooray!

–  A surprise visit from a friend, whom I caught leaving food on my front porch.  Humbling, but also very touching.  I don’t deserve the blessing of knowing such incredible women, but I’m thankful for it every day.

–  A piano recital that went well.  I believe it was the first time we didn’t have to take a noisy baby/toddler out to calm down.

–  Trips in the rain to get Slurpees for my kids.  A fun memory.

–  A conversation with a good friend.  She’s moving soon, which makes me sad, but again… I’m so lucky to have friends!

–  A conversation with my sister on her birthday.  Love that gal!

–  My first night of sleeping for six hours without being awakened by pain in my jaw/head.  Antibiotics are a good thing!

–  Several projects/major assignments that were completed and turned in at school.  I don’t know who’s more relieved to have them done with, me or the kids.

–  A clean toy room.

–  The antics of my two year old who is — I’m not kidding here — as busy as three toddlers combined.  Oh, I should have a running recording of the things that comes out of that girl’s mouth, and a camera of her dancing and waving her arms around as she talks to herself ALL. DAY. LONG.  And I’m totally in love with her pig tails.

–  Errands with the youngest three, who were remarkably cheerful and sweet that afternoon.

–  Drawing pictures of my four year old in one of her notebooks at least once every 30 minutes today.  She always wants her hair to be curly even though it’s not.  So cute!

–  A trip to the cemetery to visit the graves of ancestors on my father’s side of the family.  A beautiful afternoon.

–  The look on my sister’s face when she opened her birthday present this afternoon.  More on that soon.

And last but not least would be the feeling of total calm that I have tonight for the simple reason that I don’t have to get everyone off to school in the morning.  Oh happy day!

Have a great week!

Jennifer

It’s almost completely dark outside and the children have turned off all the lights except for two lamps.  Six of them are gathered around their Dad on the couch watching videos of tornadoes after asking some questions about them.  My little one is curled up next to me, laying her head on her shoulder and whispering things to herself while I type.  Dogs bark outside and the cool air wafts through open windows.  It’s a happy, cozy night.

We watched the solar eclipse tonight.  Clouds masked it from view for a while but we got some good looks at it, which was exciting.  It was fun to be outside with so many neighbors, all set with their various tools for watching.  My 11 year old’s scout leader gave him some glasses for viewing the eclipse which turned out to be by far the most effective tool.  He was generous and shared them with all of us as well as letting 2 or 3 other families take turns.  I’m grateful someone keeps track of these things (I don’t!) so we can see such things.

We had a good week, but not enough was accomplished.  We finished up two soccer seasons and now have tryouts to deal with.  I’m more than a little worried about what needs to be done this week.  So much on the calendar, so many things to wrap up at school, recitals, and so forth.  We’re so close to being done, but the excitement won’t hit until we’re through these woods.  Some things I’m already counting:  only 39 more lunches to pack and then I’ll be down to just packing a lunch for my husband.  THAT will be nice!  Only 8 days left of school.  I have so much to do in that time!

Tonight I feel very humble.  The migraine has continued and I find myself worn down by the pain, a bit on the emotional side, and very tender hearted.  I’m so grateful for the days when I feel good and am anxious for one of those days to hit.  I am grateful for good friends and for the patience of my family during these past few days.  I am so blessed.

The many goals I have are on the back burner while we survive this month.  I’m excited to slow down, re-evaluate, and get back on course.

The whispering of my two year old has given way to the steady breathing of sleep.  Across the room on the couch, bodies have curled up and sunk into more relaxed positions and the four year old is sound asleep in the middle of the pile.  Night is upon us and we’re going to get some extra sleep before facing life tomorrow.

Good luck to all of us!

Jennifer