Category: JOY in 2012

I feel a little lost tonight, like I’m not sure how to bridge the gap between the busyness of daily life and the direction I want so much to move myself and my family in.  January felt SO good, like I was on target and moving consciously in that direction.

February feels like an exercise in detours thus far.  Terribly important detours, which are essential to focus on, but which I’m also getting tired of.  All of them are just part of being a mother and I understand that.  Yet I feel like I’ve got a lot of detours facing me right now, creating a web of sorts that I need to figure out how to navigate while at the same time having no idea where they’ll lead.  On the one hand I’m grateful for things like Parent/Teacher conferences, but on the other hand I hate the way they throw off  the entire day, and I hate that almost every day this month has presented things like this.   I guess what I’m trying to say is not that I resent these things, but that it’s hard to focus on things I feel strongly I should be doing and ALSO respond to what the rest of the world wants me to be doing.  It is the tension between those two pulls that drains me.

The sports schedules for my oldest two children have hit us in the face this month, coming about 5 weeks earlier than it typically has in the past.  Part of it; indeed, much of it, is simply due to the mild winter we’re experiencing.  The rest of it is that they’re just getting older and since they’re my oldest I didn’t know it would hit when it did.  I hate subjecting my younger children to so much time in the car, especially around the dinner hour when they all fall asleep and wake up later screaming, but I have no choice.  I’m finding that all of them have been behaving a little differently, revealing in their individual ways the strain of adjusting to their Dad’s new work schedule combined with a long commute after having him work from home most of the time for a few years.  Everyone misses him, myself included, and I’m finding it difficult to be a one man show AND get the driving done AND get the homework done AND get dinner on the table AND deal with all the surprises of teen-aged behavior AND be pleasant and happy and read bedtime stories and so forth.   I feel like I’m feeling drained and I need to adjust faster to it all.  Having everyone a little bit edgy hasn’t helped.  Oh well.  I’m so grateful he has a job again.

One of the goals I set for myself this year was to experiment with my cleaning routines and have a good housekeeping schedule in place by mid-February.  Well, I’ve tried to do that, and here’s what I learned:  if I spend EVERY MINUTE inside my house on cleaning, the house will look ok after a few days.  If I miss even one day of that, the house will look trashed.   So pretty much I have a clean house OR I get other things done, not both.  I figure it’s mostly an indication of my stage in life combined with the intensity of having a large family and the surprises of a youngest child who is positively adventurous.  Honestly, the rest of the school year will likely be wild, so I simply need to do my best.

Although I feel a bit weary I will say that good things happened.  Once more, I got a few essentials done on the weekly list, which was no small task.  I made HUGE progress yesterday with one of my children, faced a massive personal fear and (hopefully) put it away where it belongs, got my daughter off on a weekend trip for her soccer team, sent my husband and son out the door on a campout, facilitated playtime with friends for multiple children, watched a friend’s children for a little while, tried to offer a listening ear for a friend in need, chatted with an old friend about life in general, spoke to another wise friend, and so forth.  It really was a good week.  I guess I’m just frightened that I’m not getting enough done.

On the daily list, once again I feel like a lot of things fell apart because of what we have going on.  But I’m reading my scriptures and so it’s ok.

As I type this I realize that this week I lost sight of my vision for 2012 as a joyful year.  Too many days were spent just getting through instead of seeking things to be happy about.  I forgot that my specific lists of things to do aren’t the goal by themselves, but an effort to find more joy in daily living.  Remembering this is top priority for my new week.

It’s late and I’m dozing as I type.  Can I just tell you how thankful I am that I don’t have to get everyone out the door for school in the morning?  I haven’t folded laundry yet and there’s nothing like looking for school uniforms in a haystack like that.  Hooray for President’s Day!

Have a joyful week!
Jennifer

We’re wrapping up a wonderful weekend.  My parents flew into town on Saturday and we’ve had such a wonderful time with them.  Because they were here, I also saw both of my brothers and my sister who live in the same state this weekend, something that rarely happens.  We watched a futsal game, impromptu piano and violin performances, helped with homework, poured a big bag of Chick-fil-a sauce on my kitchen table and watched to see how many packets it takes to feed 13 people a meal, shared stories, laughed.  We played a lot of ping pong games, talked and laughed some more.  Today we gathered with my brother-in-law’s family for a special occasion I’ll not soon forget, followed by a delicious dinner.  We watched cousins play together and make friends, talked to people we haven’t seen in a long time, oohed and aahed over my newest nephew, watched a group of girls put on a makeshift skit in the basement, played Acquire.  It was a joyful weekend, to be sure.  I’m not starting the week organized, but we’re all starting it happy.  I just hope that happiness is enough to balance out the overtired tendencies of my childrens’ bodies tomorrow.

The rest of the week?  Well, the fact that I haven’t posted once on this blog in almost a week is a statement of its own.   It was a hard week.  More appointments, more commitments, tighter schedules.  Longer hours for my husband left me with crying children every night.   On Tuesday I got hit with an ugly cold that made me feel pretty lousy for most of the week.  Let’s be honest:  crying children and a sick Mom aren’t the best combination.  I didn’t know you could mess up your neck and back from sneezing, but I’m here to tell you it’s possible.  I worked hard to keep people moving but felt like I was in a mental fog most of time.    I also chose to spend every spare minute working on housekeeping.  I made great progress in that area but lost ground in all my personal goals.  I did manage to make a birthday gift for my niece, which she’ll receive a week late, but which was enjoyable to make.

Some hard things happened this week, things that broke my heart and took a lot of restraint to handle properly.  Life is just so tough sometimes.  But you get through it and move on, and you remember that your family represents the group of people you’ll have to count on all your life; everyone else is temporary.

There were some good moments.   Once again I did really well on my weekly list.  I’m trying hard to make certain things a priority and hope that soon they’ll be habits.  A really great moment came on Wednesday night when we finished an appointment and went to get some dinner as a family.  The ten of us sat smashed around the bench in a corner booth, the table covered with drinks and food and I looked around and felt so happy to be where I was.  I was so grateful they were all mine.  The only thing that could have made it better was a camera.

So I’m walking away from the week with a lot of things undone, but also with the satisfaction of having worked hard all week long on things that matter.  I was invested in the right places this week and it feels great.  That said, I still hope next week is nothing like it, and I hope I get a lot done.

Life is good.  Have a great week!
Jennifer

In her book, The Creative Habit, Twyla Tharp shares a picture of herself as a young girl and describes the many things this picture hints at and discloses about herself and her life.  She shares an interesting thought, “This photo reminds me of how every young person grows up with an overwhelming sense of possibility, and how life, in some ways, is just a series of incidents in which that possibility is either enlarged or smacked out of you.  How you adapt is your choice. ”

For some reason these two sentences have been parading through my mind all week, in various circumstances and moods.  It was an unusual week but a very busy week.  Every day there was an out of the ordinary but very important matter to take care of simply because I am a mother.  One or two were taken care of smoothly but most of them are alive and well… and painful, but with great potential for growth.  There is indeed an overwhelming sense of possibility but I still feel like I spent most of the week getting smacked around.

The result?  A humbler mother, to be sure.  A few additions to the daily and weekly lists of things to work on.  A sense of “joy” that was somewhat muted by both the experiences themselves and by a schedule that left little room for noticing and appreciating little things.  A heart that needs to hold still sometime soon in order to put things away where they belong.  A little anxiety that I’m already headed into the busy season that invariably hits in the spring and doesn’t let up even slightly until June.  A lot of stubborn determination to work harder and somehow have all this enlarge us as individuals and as a family.

Still, it was a good week.  After my evaluation last week I knew I really needed to make the weekly tasks work, and I’m happy to report that I did accomplish four essential but non-urgent weekly items, all relating to the growth and development of my children, that fell through the cracks last month.  I ran a tighter ship this week, in spite of it all, and that is a good thing.  The fact that I feel so good about it in spite of my discouragement tells me that I invested in things that really matter.  I also have my weekly plan for the coming week taken care of with these and other recurring priorities already penciled in.

I am sorry to say that the daily routine I’ve established in the mornings was greatly disrupted this week, which is definitely a contributing factor to my edgy emotions.  However, I never skipped my routine, just had to shorten it considerably.  In some ways it was probably helpful for me to have a week like this and realize that compromise in this area is unwise; I draw too much strength from it to make it negotiable.  I’m looking at another roller coaster week and hope I can maintain a better balance this time.

I have another list of items to take care of in February and am happy that I’ve accomplished a couple of them already.  That’s a nice feeling.

I must also say that the MVP award for the week goes to my youngest two daughters, who trudged EVERY DAY to some random appointment, commitment, meeting at the school, etc. and never once acted up.  They were absolute angels, sitting quietly, coloring in their Strawberry Shortcake coloring books while Mom dealt with “big kid” matters.  They found joy in simple things and generally kept me afloat by being so submissive and calm.  It wasn’t until the week was over that I looked back and really saw the golden thread of their perfect behavior as evidence of a God who cares that I’m trying to tackle hard things and was smoothing the way just a bit so I’d have the energy for it.  A very simple tender mercy, one I’m thankful for.

Lest the serious-minded “me” keep things too heavy, I must also acknowledge that there were some light, happy moments this week that I enjoyed.  I watched two of my daughters score goals in their futsal games.  I had some healthy conversations with my teenagers.  I got up super early Saturday morning so I could squeeze in some sewing time.  I went out to lunch with two of the women I most admire in this world and enjoyed every minute of it.  We spent time with a couple we really enjoy and laughed a lot (something I didn’t do enough of this week).  My husband started a new job recently and has been gone much more than our family is used to, which brings adjustments and needs all on its own.  One of them is that I miss him.  A lot.  Twice we left our daughter in charge and took off on our own for 45 minutes to connect, talk, and unwind a little.  It was very healthy, kind of  a lifeline for me, and I’m grateful we recognized that need and quickly responded with small pieces of time that we could afford instead of putting it off until later.  There were even a few happy homework moments with a couple of the children.

So I ask myself, after a tough week, am I happier?  The answer is “yes.”  I am happier, but not in the bubbly, cheery way.  I’m happier deep inside because I know that the things I invested in this week were things of importance.  I am happy because I tried hard to pay the price, to sacrifice the right things and to hold tightly to essential things.  I am happier but I do need to remember to tell that to my face.  I will smile more.

Life is good.  Have a great week!
Jennifer