Tag: goals

This should be a post about all the wonderful things I did this week.  It should be about the progress I’ve made, the things I’ve accomplished, the cumulative effect of my efforts throughout the year showing great growth.

I’m sorry to say it isn’t about that.  It wasn’t that kind of week.

It was a week of emotional, needy toddlers.  (Although I must admit that those whiny little girls also said some really adorable things this week, like this afternoon when #7 was interviewing me with all sorts of random questions and pretending to write down the answers when she suddenly said, “I’m leaving for a minute but no freaking out.  Promise?  No freaking out ok?”  And I wondered why she was worried about ME freaking out when she was the one who’d been doing it all week.)  All the time I spent holding my two youngest should have felt precious to me, but it didn’t because I was preoccupied by all the things that weren’t getting done.  So by the end of the week I was a big ball of stress.  Still am, for the most part.  I need to fix that.

Much of Saturday was spent attending the baptism of my niece whose adoption was final just a couple of weeks ago.  It was beautiful and I am so impressed with what a fine family they are.  It was great to spend some time letting the cousins play with one another.  I’m looking forward to more of it during the Christmas break when my in-laws are visiting.

Last night was a mountaintop experience.  We took our oldest four children to Temple Square to see the production, “Savior of the World.”  I love that play.  I’ve seen it many times and each time seems better than the last.  I’m usually crying within the first five minutes and I’m pretty much a mess the whole time.   It’s terrible, but I love it.  Somehow my heart is always so ripe for the messages contained in this play.  It fills me with a desire to give up all the things I’m worried about, all the things I’m expecting to have or do and just let the Lord work in my life.  It fills me with a desire to be better, to have more faith, to live the life of a disciple of Christ.   We spoke with some members of the cast after the production, and as I thanked them for their work I began to cry again.  My oldest son just sort of stared at me with an odd look on his face.  My heart just kept clenching with the desire to be so much better than I am, and every time it happened it squeezed more tears from my eyes.

Then we woke up this morning to a house that was disorderly after a busy Saturday.  Nobody wanted to do what they were supposed to be doing.  They didn’t want to get ready for Church, didn’t want to look for their own shoes, didn’t want to… you name it.   It was a very short trip from last night’s mountain top experience to today’s valley.  I still struggle in that place where my vision and reality meet, especially when that place also involves eight children stubbornly asserting their agency.  I need a lot more patience in that place, better perspective and a bigger smile.

We did accomplish a few things.  We got a Christmas tree which was exuberantly decorated and which has now been un-decorated multiple times on the bottom third.  As I sit here typing I notice it’s now crooked and one of the children has stuck two large flags into the branches for a very interesting look.  I remind myself that there will be plenty of years for a beautifully decorated tree; this is the season for wonder.  This is the season for finding baby Jesus in random places all over the house.  I really don’t want this season to end; I just sometimes feel squeezed by messes, especially with older children who need things to run smoothly so we can be more spontaneous and social.  There is a part of me that is silently screaming for calm.

Monday night we took the family shopping for a couple of gifts for a family in need.  It was hard for some of them to understand why we weren’t buying anything for ourselves and I hope it made an impression on them.  We finished the evening with a drive to an incredibly lit house not too far away.

The children have just five more days of school and then they’re out for the holiday.  I’ve been so excited to have them out of school sooner than usual, leaving us a wide open week to fill with holiday activities.  I want to decorate cookies, deliver gifts and read LOTS of books.  After our bout with the stomach flu at the beginning of the month and the general disarray I’m still fighting, I have about 2 1/2 weeks of work to get done this week.  I’ve given up most of the projects I intended to tackle.  I’m praying for happy toddlers and lots of energy.

I hope we’re teaching our children good things.  I hope they’re becoming better people.  Sometimes I think I’m too close to all of it.  It’s difficult to see growth when you’re always right there.  I suppose the same might be said for myself.  I don’t feel like a better person than I was a year ago, and too many of my weaknesses were alive and well then too.  I’m fighting a battle of numbers and hope that someday I’ll be equal to it.  But we press on and do our best because that’s really all we can do.

I hope your week is bright!
Jennifer

Well, the week is over and I suppose there’s not much to say about it after Thursday night’s dump.  If I had to sum up my feelings in one word I’d choose “relief.”   With another child sick today we have just one family member left who apparently has an iron stomach.  At this point I’d say he has a good chance of missing it entirely, which would be nice.  I’d love to be finished with this virus.

The baby shower came and went and I feel so relieved that we pulled it off.  The best part of the entire thing was doing it with my sister, who I got to spend several hours with.  She is so much fun to be around and does a good job of everything.  The shower was for our sister-in-law and it was fun.  Somehow I managed to get some Christmas decorating taken care of on Friday so the house looked festive and clean when people arrived.   The food worked out and even tasted good, and when it was all over I could hardly believe that it went so smoothly.  I feel so grateful.

I also managed to get the bulk food order divided and sorted and almost everyone has come to pick up their order.  It will be nice to be finished with it as well.   All week long I was so worried about getting through the baby shower and distributing this order.   When both responsibilities had been taken care of  my brain was stuck, unable to remember what I should be doing next.  I knew I had a long list of things to be working on for Christmas but I wasn’t processing any of it.   My head has cleared today as the day progressed and I’m back to my usual state of having a to-do list for tomorrow that is much longer than the day will hold.  Cleaning, laundry, and we still have lots of homework to make up. {I’m a little worried about the homework part. Deep breath.}

Tonight as a family we watched a Christmas message that was very uplifting and which helped set the tone in my heart for the coming week.  However it works out, whatever I do or don’t get done, I hope I can keep this feeling with me and really enjoy the Christmas season.  I am so grateful for the Christmas season and want my children to feel both reverence and excitement.  We’ll see how that blends with make-up work.

Life is good.  I am so fortunate.
Have a great week!

Jennifer

Only five weeks left in the year, and I am most definitely not the person I wanted to be at the end of the year.  Have I improved?  Yes.  Have I arrived?  No.

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday surrounded by family we love, and I enjoyed my time in the kitchen preparing the meal and baking pies.  The pause Thanksgiving brings is now behind us and it’s full speed ahead for the duration of  the year.   I feel excited for the Christmas season; looking forward to decorating, a little worried about getting everything done, hoping I can find time for some things that only I care about, praying that somehow my children can set aside the petty things and let their better natures rise to the occasion.

I was up all night last night with a sick child so today my perspective on the week is tainted by a weary ache behind my eyes and the feeling that I’m looking around, holding my breath while we wait for the next one to succumb to a virus.  I have so much to do this week:  do I pray they all get sick tomorrow or hold on to the hope that some of us will escape?  It’s been a few days of quiet, which I appreciated, but at the moment I feel completely unprepared to hit the ground running with a new school week tomorrow.  I’m sure there’s some unfinished homework in at least one backpack and I don’t even want to see what’s on the calendar.  And I wonder, why is it that after brief breaks like this I dread getting back to real life so passionately?  I know others who love it and wish I knew why it makes me sick to my stomach.

Last night my husband and I were honored to attend a birthday dinner for a friend.  I’ve found myself reflecting on it today.  There are so many things we worry about and spend our time and resources on, but people are what matter; relationships are what count.   I want to do a better job of remembering that all the time.

I continue to work at getting and keeping the house cleaner.  I continue to try to finish things when I start them and to avoid starting things I really don’t have time for.  I’m trying to be a better mother, to respond calmly to my children no matter how upset they are, to be more patient with the newterrain that seems to come with teenaged children – a landscape full of unexpected emotional land mines and sprinkled with times of real humor and enjoyment.  I am trying to be of greater service to others, trying to spend my time doing what matters most.  I think I’m slowly improving but I make a lot of mistakes and am continually humbled by how hard I can try and still fall short.

I am grateful for my blessings, humbled by my responsibilities.  I rejoice in knowing there is a God who cares about us all, who knows me personally and on whom I can lean when I am tired and in whom I can trust when I am worried.  I am so thankful for the gifts of love he leaves all around me, this week in the form of stunning sunrises especially.  We even had a day of total sunshine this week!

Life is good.  I am so blessed.  I hope your week is amazing!
Jennifer