Evening light & a few thoughts


The glories of spring are in full swing around here, one day a mere bud and the next a flower.   The timing couldn’t be better with Easter coming on Sunday.  It seems that everything is in a hurry to bear witness!


Tonight I glanced outside and saw the setting sun illuminate the blossoms on our cherry tree.  It was so white, so radiant, that I stood in awe for a moment.


The same light seemed to bathe our home in beauty as I walked from room to room.  Simple objects were changed by the glow as they reflected the day’s last, intense rays.


I’ve been reading Sheri Dew’s new book, Amazed by Grace.  I’m almost done (it’s very short) and have enjoyed it immensely.  It’s been excellent preparation for General Conference and Easter.  I suppose it’s also why the evening light struck me so powerfully tonight, illuminating simple things like cherry blossoms and glass vases in a way that made me realize how often Christ’s grace does that for my simple, meager efforts.


Other random things:

1.  My office/sewing room is also our guest room.  My to-do list has taken up residence there in the form of small piles I need to do various things with.

2.  Eric and I went on our Friday night date at 3 pm today.  It was the best time to get away with all our kids tend to have going on Friday nights, and also guaranteed that we’d be awake enough for intelligent conversation.

3.  I put my pajamas on tonight before 6 pm.  All I want to do is sleep (and hope I can knock this junk I’m fighting)!

4.  As beautiful as spring is (and it certainly has been!) things are awfully brown.  With so little moisture this winter, parts of our lawn are looking really bad.  It made me unreasonably happy to turn on the sprinklers tonight!


5.  I have a number of gifts I need/want to sew before the school year ends.  I hope I can start over spring break.


The week has been a good lesson for me in remembering the difference between essential and necessary things.  It’s Friday night and I find myself falling into the weekend like I fall into bed at the end of a long, hard, good day. Exhausted, relieved, wishing I’d accomplished more, hopeful for tomorrow, grateful it’s time to rest.

Gig Harbor

I suppose we all have our special places.  Places that are paradise to us, not just in beauty, but also in feeling, experience, and memory.  No matter how the years pass, they retain a sort of magic for us, or are perhaps a balm to our souls.  We may have more than one, or several that each represent a different stage in life or memory.  At least I hope we all have them, to one degree or another.


I have Gig Harbor.  It’s not my only special place, but in many ways it stands alone and above all the others.

Two months ago I went back.  I hadn’t gone on a trip alone since before I was married and it was both wonderful and strange to leave.  The wife and mother in me felt guilty for leaving but deep inside I knew it was the right thing to do.  I’d known it for years.

My friend Wes passed away on December 31st, 2014, and on January 24th a memorial service was held in Gig Harbor, Washington to celebrate his life.  Twenty years ago in January I first went to Gig Harbor as a missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and met Wes shortly after arriving there.  I spent seven months in that area, and the impact both the people and the place had on my life was profound.  You see, one of the reasons I was sent to Gig Harbor as a missionary was to meet Wes.  It turned out that my association with him was life-changing, both for me and for him and probably for a lot of other people too.  His wife asked me to come and tell the story at his funeral.


I worried a little.  I’d never spoken at a funeral before.  It was a story I rarely spoke of, as it seemed too sacred to speak of often, and somewhat embarrassing.  They all knew me as a young, energetic college student in her early twenties; now I’m a forty-something mother of 8 children whose long brown hair has turned mostly gray and blonde.  I felt like a sorry substitute for who I once was, and as happy as I was to go back, I was also afraid.

It was one of the happiest weekends of my life.  Everything was familiar to me, as beautiful as I remembered it, unchanged and yet improved, magical still.  The longer I was there, the larger my smile grew and the love, the overwhelming feelings of love that permeated my days in that city so long ago seeped back in and filled all the cracks and holes in the deep corners of my heart.


The funeral went well.  I spoke easily and the story practically told itself.  Those wonderful people who loved me and invited me into their homes and trusted me so long ago welcomed me back with more love and sincerity than I could have thought possible. All the changes I was afraid they’d dwell on meant nothing.  They loved ME.  They were happy to see ME.  I was still Sister Sheffield to them.  In a moment of total wonderment I considered the possibility that THIS might just be what it will be like to go home when we leave this life.


I drove and walked as much as I could, stood on my favorite street corners, breathed deeply of the scent, laughed with joy at the rain, teared up at the fog, stared at the skyline.  I grinned like a giddy little girl at the Tacoma Narows bridge.


On Sunday afternoon I drove down Peacock Hill toward the harbor after a precious hour visiting with another couple I taught all those years ago.  The sun had come out and it was a brilliant, blue, beautiful day.  As I approached Harborview Drive I remembered the night I drove down that same hill and was literally overcome by the beauty of the place.  In that moment I had the distinct realization that ALL the good I could do for the rest of my life couldn’t begin to repay the Lord for just the gift of THAT beauty on THAT night.  To borrow from my all-time favorite book, it was my waters of Mormon.  The scenery of Gig Harbor fed my soul in unspeakable ways and it’s never really left me.   To be experiencing it again so many years later seemed almost too much.  With these memories in mind I turned the corner and looked to my left… hoping.

And there it was.  Mount Rainier in all it’s beauty, bigger, more luminous, more magnificent than I’d remembered, better than any of the photos or paintings I’ve saved.  I literally shouted for joy, feeling like the luckiest of people.  Remembering the doubtful laugh of the woman on the plane when I’d told her I was hoping for a glimpse while there, I shook my head at the kindness of our Heavenly Father.  Such a gift, such a perfect, personalized gift.


I went to pay tribute to a most amazing man and came home more whole than I’ve felt in years.

This post has been half-written for seven weeks.  Today it was time to finish.  Today is also Palm Sunday, and as I have pondered the events of that day, my heart rejoices.  I rejoice that Jesus Christ is who and what he claimed to be.  I rejoice that  because of Him, death has no victory.  I rejoice in his infinite ability to give good gifts, in his ability to give us eyes to see those gifts, and in the masterful way in which the gifts are delivered alongside the chastening and stretching and everyday experiences of life.  Sometimes I feel like the good, bad, fun, happy, sad, frustrating, easy and difficult things of life are packed so tightly together and then mixed around so vigorously that I hardly know which way is up.  But I DO always know that I can LOOK up, and help always comes.  On this Palm Sunday, I joyfully claim Jesus Christ as my king of kings and Lord of Lords.  And I thank Him most gratefully for being at work in my life – in spite of me – and for not giving up on me.  For giving me Gig Harbor – more than once.  For giving me my family.  For helping me discover what it means to be me.  I am forever indebted.


In the Distance

Do you ever feel like the person you’re supposed to be is close by, within reach yet just beyond your fingertips, somewhere in the distance just ahead of you?  I’m not talking about the perfect-in-every-detail woman I often wish I was, and often judge myself by.  I’m talking about those deep, fundamental things that make us who we really are.  The Jennifer Harrison I’m meant to become, or perhaps, the Jennifer Harrison I’ve always been but who still needs uncovering?


The past couple of months have held beautiful experiences for me.  Beautiful on their own, but more significant because they play off one another to instruct me in deeply personal ways.  This week marks the first week in a while that I’m not scrambling to wrap up from one event/trip while catching up at home and simultaneously preparing to leave again for a few days.

I find myself thinking about the year so far, my heart full and grateful for so many things – especially people.  And while I revel in sinking back into daily life at home with my family, I also find myself sifting and sorting and trying to identify how I’m different for having lived the past 8 weeks.  It would be a shame to end up just the same when so many little moments were engineered to make me new, better than before.  Closer to that girl in the distance.  I’m not sure I’ll ever catch her; progression is part of the great plan of life; but she feels closer to me lately, more authentic.  I don’t want to lose that feeling in all the laundry and homework and carpools I’m jumping back into.

What do you do to stay changed?  How do you keep life’s beautiful experiences close by so you don’t forget them and lose ground?  How do you preserve them before the everyday runs right over them, distorting their shape and shine?   I am working to write them down.  I also added a photo to my study spot, and this morning wrote a to-do list of all the terribly important (but now not urgent) things I must do while it’s still fresh, or at least somewhat so.  And I’m praying about the process.

I snapped the photo of Mt. Rainier with my phone while on a quick walk around Gig Harbor, WA in January.  Having served in Washington as a missionary 20 years ago, I know full well what a gift it was to have a beautiful, clear, sunny day in January with a clear view of that mountain.  Although the image is poor in quality, when I see it, the jump-for-joy clenching feeling in my heart returns and I re-live that moment of receiving a gift that was intensely personal even if I shared it with everyone else on a stroll around the harbor that day.

I guess the girl I mean to be is a lot like my favorite mountain.  Sometimes clear and bright and looming, sometimes smaller and floating above the clouds, sometimes faint, and sometimes shrouded in clouds.  Yet there, always there.  Occasionally it’s so big, so beautiful, so close it seems I can reach out and touch it.

More soon.


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