Category: Helpfulness of Habit

I have such mixed feelings tonight.  Soccer season is now in full swing at our house, increasing time in the car and at parks all over the place and restricting time at home to keep things running.  I feel a sense of disappointment in myself for not having the house fully under control by now, but nothing can be done about it except to keep trying.

March was a rugged month.   I’ve had all ten of us at the dentist for cleanings and exams, sealants and fillings.  The time spent at the dentist in addition to time spent driving to and from schools to check children out and back in have all cut significantly into my usual housekeeping and laundry routines.  Who knew that my own dentist appointment would kill all productivity for five days before the antibiotics finally made a difference?  It’s been a month spent adjusting to new work arrangements for my husband and the stress that comes with every learning curve presented by a new job.  We’ve had unexpected expenses, children in emotional meltdown, and dozens of unforeseen mini-emergencies with several of our children.  I keep telling myself that there’s a reason I lost ground instead of gaining ground.  Just as March is the month when you can see weather for all four seasons of the year in a single day, our lives have felt all over the place as well.

The experiences we had in March reinforced the importance of my goals; indeed, I feel increasingly urgent about them.  The reality of March was that I had to be a mother, and part of being a mother is doing what needs to be done right now.  We had a lot of “right now” needs.

And so part of me thinks that it makes sense, that it’s ok.  Another part of me wonders if I’m just making excuses.  Part of me feels so sad that it’s April and I have nothing substantial to show for my efforts.  And part of me says to press on, give it more time, keep working and look back later for signs of growth.  I’m trying to silence the first three thoughts and give full reign to the last.  It is, after all, the only productive thing to do.

In all of this, I also look at the month and realize that I’ve learned some really valuable lessons.  My heart has been tested.  My hopes and dreams have been refined a little bit by the difficulties we’ve faced.  I am more grateful for simple things.  I have more appreciation for how hard my children are trying to be good, for how hard some of their challenges are for them.  I have more appreciation for answers to prayer, even to those prayers spoken as I open my mouth in response to a child’s distress, thinking “I have no idea what to say right now, please put the right words in my mouth.”  The words have come.  Tears have come as well, lots of them.  I feel more humble, more dependent on God.    My faith and confidence in Him has grown.  I can see His hand in my life, and even in the things I really don’t want to deal with.  I’ve learned lessons about preparing our children to have experiences with Christ’s atonement as they negotiate their relationships with friends and peers.  I have learned more about how essential it is that we never withhold compliments and praise from teenagers.  I’ve learned how desperately they sometimes need to hear a positive word, any positive word, from any adult they have contact with.  I’ve been a mother on her knees asking God to please bless someone, anyone, to notice something good about my child and say it to them.  And I’ve wept with gratitude when that prayer was answered.  I wonder how many other mothers have prayed for this same blessing, and resolve to become someone who can be trusted to compliment people freely.

As much as we’ve been stretched, I’m aware we’re immeasurably blessed.  I know people who have been dealt terrible blows in the past month.  I have wept for them and felt sobered by the relative ease of my circumstances.  This week brought a number of opportunities to serve others.  It feels good to have done it.  I got to spend more time talking with a good friend.  We had sunshine for 3 1/2 days this week, more than we’ve had in a while (never mind the fact that it snowed last night and then went from winter to spring three or four times throughout the day today).  I did a better job of preparing our meals early in the day.  In fact, I did a better job all around in the kitchen.

March is over; April begun.  Another week awaits my best efforts.  As a family we got to watch General Conference which never fails to inspire and direct.  Life is good.  I am grateful for all I’ve learned and anxious to learn more.  Like everyone else, we have some things in life I have no solution for, and I wonder how they can possibly work out.  But it will.  It always does.  I hope that whatever I need to learn this week can be learned without so much disruption to the maintenance of home and family.  But whatever comes, we will trust the Lord.  As my husband said to me last night, “He has a plan.  Let’s let Him work it.”

Have a great week.
Jennifer

Another week is gone and although I could come up with a half dozen little things to say about this area or that, there is really just one thing that stands out to me.

Last year’s One Step goal was motivated by a burning desire to find my stride, to figure out how to be a good mother for 8 young children.  This year’s focus on habits is a continuation of that goal.   As I said in this post , my heart wants to fly, to soar like an eagle.  I want so much to reach new heights and find great joy in what I’m doing.  I want to feel like I can handle the day to day demands of my particular circumstances.

On Friday night I took twelve children to the BYU v. Utah women’s gymnastics meet.

By myself.

Yes, just me and twelve children.

I let my oldest four invite a friend.  Kids started coming around 4:30. They played, I fed everyone dinner, piled them into the Space Shuttle, and off we went.

My husband wondered if I would end up calling him because I’d lost one.

We went anyway.

And guess what?

It turned out wonderfully.  I thoroughly enjoyed the experience.  The children were great and had a lot of fun taking trips to the concessions stand and to the uppermost bleachers while I camped out with the little ones, providing a sort of “headquarters” where everyone could check in and sit to watch the meet.  I felt calm and relaxed.  I enjoyed watching the meet.  I enjoyed sitting with my youngest three, entertaining and holding them.

When the meet was over I ran into some friends.  We said hello and as we talked I told them, “I’m here alone with twelve children, and right now I can only find seven of them.  What do you think of that?”  They laughed as if I was crazy, which I am.

It worked out.  I felt directed to head to a different area of the Marriott Center and there they all were.  We enjoyed a pleasant walk in the cool evening air on our way back to the van, then headed home.  By the time I delivered all the friends to their homes and got my own crowd home and in bed it was well after 11 pm.  A long night, to be sure.  But a great night.

Why is this the most relevant experience of my week?  Because it means I’m growing.  It means that my abilities are being magnified.    It’s happening at a time when my oldest two really need me to loosen up and do more of this.  Just a few weeks ago I would not have considered an outing like that, especially without another adult.  The mere thought would have brought stress.  I haven’t yet learned to enjoy having all eight of my children in public places, especially loud places with large groups of people.  It’s not that they’re bad; I just stress about their behavior and about possibly losing one.  I also find the noise and chaos to be terribly overstimulating.   Twelve children?  That would have been out of the question.

But I did it.  I enjoyed it.  I would do it again.  Did I have the Lord’s help?  Absolutely.  I need His help every day.

And so my heart has been rejoicing in the knowledge that slowly but surely I’m getting better at this.  My house is still messy.  I’m still behind on laundry.  But I’m handling it better.  I feel less overwhelmed by it and more grateful for the privilege of doing it.

I know it’s nothing magical.   I didn’t suddenly gain new abilities.  I’m aware that in ten minutes I might feel maxed out by just one of them (like last night when my three year old threw the tantrum of the year while in the bathtub – it was NOT pretty).  Still, for one evening I was equal to the task.  Not just equal to surviving the task, but capable of making the experience a lot of fun for everyone.  It’s like catching a glimpse of the clearing through the trees.  I’m grateful beyond words for the feeling that I just might get the hang of this one day.

I think I’m growing up.

And I love the looks of that clearing!

Gratefully, Jennifer

Whew!  I must say I’m happy to have last week over with.  It was unusually draining, and I’m hopeful the coming week holds much more promise.  So many unexpected mini-emergencies and crises to deal with left me feeling emotionally exhausted on Wednesday afternoon.  The random events and crazy pace continued through the week.  The tragic events in Japan certainly added a heaviness to my heart.  It’s been a learning experience.

I’ve looked over my list of goals for next year.  I can’t find a direct line between my goals and my week.   It wasn’t that kind of week.  It was a week spent responding — over and over — to unforeseen circumstances and events that required immediate attention.  I spent a great deal of time away from home because of it, which sacrificed  my typical housekeeping efforts in addition to disrupting our routines.   And it’s ok.

In the Lord’s prayer comes the phrase, “give us this day our daily bread.”  I’ve thought of that this week.  I didn’t get ahead in anything; in fact, I fell behind.  But I must also acknowledge that the Lord has kindly given us enough , every day, to get by.  I believe my children know how much I love them, especially those I “went to bat” for, some of them multiple times and in big ways.  I hope and pray that weeks like this will work for our good, that we’ll recover physically (in spite of last night’s time change), emotionally and organizationally.  I hope we can come away from last week with more confidence in ourselves, in each other, and in the Lord.

And so my report is simply this:  I and my family have received, at the Lord’s hands and through His grace, our daily bread.  We have a roof over our heads.  We had fresh, warm food for dinner tonight.  We have clothes to wear, beds to sleep on.  Even more than that, we’ve had tears wiped away, laughter follow tears, forgiveness follow mistakes, accidents result in minimal harm.  We’ve had prayers answered.  We have many more prayers which we trust will, in the Lord’s time, be answered as well.  And when I felt empty, drained completely dry by the day’s demands, He made His might, His strength, available for me.  I am humbled by it.  Humbled and grateful.

Getting ahead is awesome, but daily bread is all we really need.

Jennifer