Joy, week 20

JOY in 2012



It’s almost completely dark outside and the children have turned off all the lights except for two lamps.  Six of them are gathered around their Dad on the couch watching videos of tornadoes after asking some questions about them.  My little one is curled up next to me, laying her head on her shoulder and whispering things to herself while I type.  Dogs bark outside and the cool air wafts through open windows.  It’s a happy, cozy night.

We watched the solar eclipse tonight.  Clouds masked it from view for a while but we got some good looks at it, which was exciting.  It was fun to be outside with so many neighbors, all set with their various tools for watching.  My 11 year old’s scout leader gave him some glasses for viewing the eclipse which turned out to be by far the most effective tool.  He was generous and shared them with all of us as well as letting 2 or 3 other families take turns.  I’m grateful someone keeps track of these things (I don’t!) so we can see such things.

We had a good week, but not enough was accomplished.  We finished up two soccer seasons and now have tryouts to deal with.  I’m more than a little worried about what needs to be done this week.  So much on the calendar, so many things to wrap up at school, recitals, and so forth.  We’re so close to being done, but the excitement won’t hit until we’re through these woods.  Some things I’m already counting:  only 39 more lunches to pack and then I’ll be down to just packing a lunch for my husband.  THAT will be nice!  Only 8 days left of school.  I have so much to do in that time!

Tonight I feel very humble.  The migraine has continued and I find myself worn down by the pain, a bit on the emotional side, and very tender hearted.  I’m so grateful for the days when I feel good and am anxious for one of those days to hit.  I am grateful for good friends and for the patience of my family during these past few days.  I am so blessed.

The many goals I have are on the back burner while we survive this month.  I’m excited to slow down, re-evaluate, and get back on course.

The whispering of my two year old has given way to the steady breathing of sleep.  Across the room on the couch, bodies have curled up and sunk into more relaxed positions and the four year old is sound asleep in the middle of the pile.  Night is upon us and we’re going to get some extra sleep before facing life tomorrow.

Good luck to all of us!

Jennifer

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Life as it was today…

Musings on Life and Beauty



I was SO tired this morning when I woke up.  I went from bed to bed to wake the children for school… and I’m not kidding — NONE of them even stirred.  I lay back down and waited ten minutes, then did the rounds again.  More success this time.  Everyone made it to school, and early too.

When my husband got in the shower he said he was going to work from home today and that made me happy.  Plus, I had the early signs of a migraine coming on and it just felt good to think I wouldn’t be facing the day all alone.  When he came downstairs he announced something he needed to take care of at the office and within 45 seconds he was driving away.  It’s his job, after all, but I felt a little sad.

The little girls were adorable this morning, making toast for each other.  This week they’ve had lots of fun with dolls, rocking them, pushing them in strollers, cuddling them and so forth.  I love to see little girls practice being mommies.

The headache got worse and we picked up my 6 year old from kindergarten.  It was pouring rain by this time and I felt so thankful that my husband worked well after dark last night getting almost all of the dirt moved from the street to the backyard.   The rain made the day feel a little dreary so when my little guy begged for a movie I got the tv out and let him watch one of the original Star Wars movies.  I decided a rainy day called for some chocolate chip cookies and mixed up the dough.  We paused the movie to pick up three more of the children from school.

I never lay down during the day, but today I had to.  I rested for 20 good minutes and then my little one joined me and I had to get up.  My oldest was supposed to go on a retreat tonight, but the deal was that all make-up work for school be completed first.  It wasn’t.  I had to say no.  I hated it, he hated it, but I had to do it.  It’s not fun being the bad guy, but he knew the requirements and I’m not doing him any favors by lifting them at the last minute.  Still, it stinks.

I worried it would ruin the rest of the night but he rallied well, thanks in part to a cool t-shirt his dad picked up for him today.  I went through an almost laughable stack of loose papers to make sense of  his homework.  We baked the rest of the cookies and soon he had a smile on his face.

I did no housekeeping today.  Just functioning took all my energy.  I’m not complaining.  I’m writing because I need to remember this day.

I started dinner late because of the homework issue.  So while I had ribs cooking in the oven, the hungry kids peeled carrots to chomp on and raided the storage room for Top Ramen, which they eat raw!  Gross!  I sat on a chair in the family room and turned my head in time to see my four year old jumping up and down on her Top Ramen to crunch it before opening it.  My two year old climbed up next to me with equal parts runny nose and dirt on her face to throw her body across me and give me countless kisses.  When she wants to talk to me she gets right in my face so our noses are touching.  It took a little more courage to have that conversation tonight given the state of her face, but she’s adorable and I love it.  I had just seen pictures of someone’s newborn baby and had that sad feeling in my heart (and my eyes) that my baby is so huge.

My carpet is littered with game cards from six or seven different games.  For some reason my kids don’t play games, but they get all the pieces out and play other things with the games.  It makes for interesting messes.  My seven year old and I took 2 hours and went through every piece recently, but it’s right back to the previous state of disarray.  I’m thinking we don’t need games.  I walked through the empty kitchen and found a cup of water in the middle of the floor with 5 rocks in it.  Hmmm.  There’s a baby doll on the kitchen counter face down in some peanut butter.  My floors have a nice layer of dirt on them but I’m not going to mop until our dirt has all been moved to its permanent location.

The children are having a wonderful time running outside in the gathering darkness and I’m happy to hear their screams and yells through the open windows.  My oldest and his Dad are watching snowboard competitions online as they do work and homework in the office.   I’m feeling a little vulnerable tonight but it’s opened my heart to the realities of how terribly blessed I am.  I look around at the mess and for once, I have the sense to be happy about it.  There’s a lot of life being lived here and I get to be a part of it.  I get to be the one they talk to about soccer practice and who said what.  I get to be the one that holds them when they scrape their knee or just need a shirt to wipe their nose on.  I get to be their mother.  And I get to be a wife to such a good man.  And we get to live at the end of the street with a big yard for them to run in and right now we get to sleep with our windows open.  I get to smell my lilacs in a vase each time I walk through the kitchen.  But mostly it’s just about people.  We get to love each other, and there’s so much we get to learn together.

Today life was messy, life was loud, life was rainy, life was real.  Life is good, and what a precious gift God has given me to be here for it!

Gratefully, Jennifer

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Undaunted

Musings on Life and Beauty

It’s going to be another crazy day in another crazy week, but I’m pausing to write for a minute from the heart.


I can’t count the number of moms I’ve spoken to recently who have mentioned that life is “really getting to them” lately.  For those of us with children in school, it’s the month of last minute projects, concerts, recitals, tryouts, registration, programs, testing, finals, games, practices, etc.  So much of the entire year is decided in May.  Most of your summer plans must be finalized by now, and most of what your children will be involved in come September must also be taken care of.  It’s a crazy month.


Personally, I feel like I’ve been swinging back and forth between desperate and joyful, experiencing everything in between.  I’ve been reminded of the saying “When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.”  I think a lot of us are doing that right now.  All the ups and downs combined with the exhaustion of this month has made me look more carefully at myself, made me realize that I need to toughen up.  It’s going to work out, so I need to be steadier.

I’ve had occasion to re-read the stories of some of my ancestors in the past two weeks.  Sarah Adelaide gave up her family for her religion.  Mary walked across the plains pregnant, with a two year old.  Elizabeth crossed the plains as a girl, wearing out her shoes along the way but she didn’t stop walking.  They wrapped her bloody feet in rags and they finished the journey.  They buried children, buried husbands, and kept going.  Many of them were poor, and yet in their own extremities they found ways to lift the burdens of others.  I read their stories, feel the greatness of their spirits, and wonder what they would tell me about feeling overwhelmed by things as trivial as soccer games, dirty bathrooms or homework assignments!

This morning I read a quote by Jerry Falwell, Sr.  It says, “You do not measure a man’s greatness by his talent or wealth, as the world does, but rather by what it takes to discourage him.”


Isn’t that a great thought?  I want to be someone who closes the door firmly on discouragement and keeps going.  It’s one thing to be strong when you’re rested and quite another to be strong when you’re weary.  What does it take to discourage me?  An honest assessment tells me I have distance to travel to get there, but that is a kind of greatness we can all achieve.  Few of us will be renowned for our talents or our wealth, but we CAN be undaunted.  We CAN press forward courageously and optimistically, no matter what.

As I’ve been studying my large stack of books which deal largely with human behavior, a thought has been parading through my mind for weeks.  It is this:  “We don’t feel our way to better behavior.  We behave our way to better feelings” -Dr. James Lehman.   In today’s world where so many of us quit doing or never start because of our feelings, it is important to understand that we’ll get much farther in life if we act the way we need to act and in so doing improve the way we feel instead of giving up because it doesn’t feel right that day.

I want to be courageous, undaunted.  I will refuse to be discouraged by small things.  I can do this.

Care to join me?
Jennifer

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